.Project You

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You…. Wake up every day. Eyes open, chest rising and falling. The thoughts, plans, lists and responsibilities start running through your mind. Your body resists the urge to move, stretch, get out bed. The lights come on, your eyes squint, your breathing patterns get shorter and you start your day. No matter what you do today, you are doing it. The hours pass, the stress levels rise and fall. Emotions come in waves throughout the day. Laughter, joy, calmness, annoyance, hunger, numbness, anger, stress, enjoyment, pride, success, grief, pain, sleepiness. It all affects your mind, your plans, your body. Night falls, your body rests in its place. Your breathing deepens, your day, events, ups and downs, they run through your mind and you try to clear your thoughts. Lights off, phones down, your eyes shut and your thoughts get muted by your desire to rest, you and take a break only to wake up tomorrow to do the same thing.
What is this? What the hell are we doing? Auto pilot is a thing. And this ride called life that I have been a passenger on for 33 years is annoying. The fleeting moments of happiness that triumphed through the dark were moments that I still cling to because the majority of my life has been veiled in pain from these emotions that plague me. I had moments where I took the wheel as much as possible and made “big” changes in my so called daily life. That’s great and all, but where did it get me? To a new city, with a new job, new friends, new experiences, yay me, but still in this body – still breathing, moving, resting, feeling, living……. Without my consent. And I just have to deal with it. What the hell are we really doing here?

Is it a game? Is it for entertainment? Is it a test? We have all heard of dozens of theories, religious insights, beliefs, hopes, patters, scientific evolution to try to explain our significance, but just as I prefer dark chocolate over milk chocolate and I think that we should all help our fellow humans no matter who they are or where we are in life, our ideas of why we are here and the direction of our moral compasses are just that, ideas…. Nothing more. They are and were created by the minds we can’t control or understand anyway. So, how do we accept these ideas as steadfast truths? Does anyone really believe any of it anyway? Isn’t everything relative? Or do they just hold onto the thought or belief of it as a form of solace and security to get through this strange stage of life as we know it?

Non conformance to the belief system our society holds firm to doesn’t make us unique or wiser than the average bear…. But I choose to keep my eyes open and my mind flexible to different concepts, ideas and visions of what life is all about. At the same time, as much as I would like to figure it all out – I would also like to enjoy it – while I am here – because I don’t really have a choice or a say in where I am going after this or what happen to me later today…. All I have is this moment, and this moment is mine, and I will embrace it as is and will enjoy it as much as humanly possible.

 

.Love

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Love, I have found you. You are everything I thought you could never be. You are everything I never thought I would have. Love, dance with me. Live in color and grow like the beautiful flowers that surround us; against all odds I found you. All will be right, dancing like water with the light. You are all I ever dreamed you to be.

.in my life… no one compares to you

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“There are places I’ll remember…

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain…

All these places have their moments…

With lovers and friends I still can recall.

Some are dead and some are living

In my life, I’ve loved them all…

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new.”

These lyrics have always touched my heart. They ring true now more than ever. Love is a beautiful gift. I’ll never understand how the human heart works… but the love I have for myself and for my tribe, it’s all I need. And it keeps me going. It gives me a reason to open my eyes in the morning. It gives me a reason to inhale the world around me and absorb the enormous amounts of life and peace that fill my soul. I’m blessed. I’m happy. I’m grateful. For once. In my life, I now know why it all happened the way it did. I now see where I’m going. And I now can enjoy the ride. This love…. is something new. 

In my life…. I love you more ❤

This love is something new

.your self-proclaimed Eden

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You once told me that you no longer recognized me… 

Distaste spilled from your mouth as if this was a truth I should somehow have found shame in. But I knew better. Finally, I knew better. 

For you see, I am still me. It’s just that when we were together I was made a little more of “sorries” than I was of myself. 

 I was little more doormat than backbone and I was little more a weed in your garden of self proclaimed Eden than I was a beautiful, blooming wildflower. 

You said that I changed…. that I was no longer a person you once considered loving. Words designed to cut me to the ground beneath your feet; where you kept me so neatly trimmed for all those years, instead it fell as sweet liberation upon my ears. 

You were right. I was no longer the same reflection you once threw your scraps of love at. But not because I am someone else now. No. Because I finally became the me I too long let wither in your ego’s shadow. Because finally I stepped into the light and let myself bloom. I am me. I always was me. But finally, I am now JUST me. 

.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

.the moments when I miss

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Lost moments with loves I never knew…Missing the memories I never got to make…

Day dreaming of moments that I know I’ll never have… Questioning why things were never as they seemed. 

Longing for the person I had envisioned her to be. Missing what I had hoped she’d be but never was.

 How can you miss someone that was never real? 

There are times I wish I had her…..

To call and cry my fears too…..

To embrace and know I’m safe…..

I long for the non-judgmental love that a mother gives her child. For the support and guidance and unwavering compassion….

I long for what I never had. For one I’ve never met. 

I see them on the streets… I see them in the homes of my friends…. in the stores, books and movies….

But I’ve never known one to call my own. 

I long for the mother that I once built in my head. 

I long for the family that was never really real. 

I long. 

I fear I always will. 

.the kind of day where words don’t suffice

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Lost in my mind with a million thoughts surfacing… one after another. The maybes. The what ifs. The whys. The why nots. Memories of beauty. Of pure bliss. Memories of sadness and gut wrenching pain. They bring back emotions that seem to be reborn; even for just a moment or two, they become alive again. Some memories have faded and some disappear all together until they reinvent themselves in what seems to be a dejavu but is really just a lost memory that was buried to get through. 

It’s these kinds of days…. those kinds of days that my words can’t explain. My tears can’t wash away. And my heart can’t understand. 

It’s these kinds of days…. those kinds of days…. that drape my soul with the heaviness that I once carried morning and night. The cloth that once veiled my interpretation of life has come back to remind me of who I was and who I’ve been. Where I’ve been and what I’ve seen. 

Even though they still reside deep within me…  and surface every now and then. I don’t run from them anymore. I don’t hide. I just sit. I sit and let it say what it has to say. I let it convey whatever it needs to convey. I sit and I welcome it. I nurture it and embrace it.  And then I let it go. I release the pain and the sadness of memories that were never made. I release the loss of all I had hoped to have. 

Once the cloak is lifted, once I have rebalanced my inner self:  I open my eyes back to my reality…. back to the me I now know…. and I reflect. And I disect. And I push myself to move. Knowing…. understanding…. that I am love. And I will never face anything that my heart can’t withstand. That it will be okay. That I will be okay. That I am okay. 

It’s days like these…. days like those…. that the world around me doesn’t exist.