Love, I have found you. You are everything I thought you could never be. You are everything I never thought I would have. Love, dance with me. Live in color and grow like the beautiful flowers that surround us; against all odds I found you. All will be right, dancing like water with the light. You are all I ever dreamed you to be.
“There are places I’ll remember…
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain…
All these places have their moments…
With lovers and friends I still can recall.
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I’ve loved them all…
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.”
These lyrics have always touched my heart. They ring true now more than ever. Love is a beautiful gift. I’ll never understand how the human heart works… but the love I have for myself and for my tribe, it’s all I need. And it keeps me going. It gives me a reason to open my eyes in the morning. It gives me a reason to inhale the world around me and absorb the enormous amounts of life and peace that fill my soul. I’m blessed. I’m happy. I’m grateful. For once. In my life, I now know why it all happened the way it did. I now see where I’m going. And I now can enjoy the ride. This love…. is something new.
In my life…. I love you more ❤
You once told me that you no longer recognized me…
Distaste spilled from your mouth as if this was a truth I should somehow have found shame in. But I knew better. Finally, I knew better.
For you see, I am still me. It’s just that when we were together I was made a little more of “sorries” than I was of myself.
I was little more doormat than backbone and I was little more a weed in your garden of self proclaimed Eden than I was a beautiful, blooming wildflower.
You said that I changed…. that I was no longer a person you once considered loving. Words designed to cut me to the ground beneath your feet; where you kept me so neatly trimmed for all those years, instead it fell as sweet liberation upon my ears.
You were right. I was no longer the same reflection you once threw your scraps of love at. But not because I am someone else now. No. Because I finally became the me I too long let wither in your ego’s shadow. Because finally I stepped into the light and let myself bloom. I am me. I always was me. But finally, I am now JUST me.
You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am.
I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from.
Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before.
The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….
You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive?
You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?
Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all.
This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace.
Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice.
That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are.
Lost moments with loves I never knew…Missing the memories I never got to make…
Day dreaming of moments that I know I’ll never have… Questioning why things were never as they seemed.
Longing for the person I had envisioned her to be. Missing what I had hoped she’d be but never was.
How can you miss someone that was never real?
There are times I wish I had her…..
To call and cry my fears too…..
To embrace and know I’m safe…..
I long for the non-judgmental love that a mother gives her child. For the support and guidance and unwavering compassion….
I long for what I never had. For one I’ve never met.
I see them on the streets… I see them in the homes of my friends…. in the stores, books and movies….
But I’ve never known one to call my own.
I long for the mother that I once built in my head.
I long for the family that was never really real.
I fear I always will.
Lost in my mind with a million thoughts surfacing… one after another. The maybes. The what ifs. The whys. The why nots. Memories of beauty. Of pure bliss. Memories of sadness and gut wrenching pain. They bring back emotions that seem to be reborn; even for just a moment or two, they become alive again. Some memories have faded and some disappear all together until they reinvent themselves in what seems to be a dejavu but is really just a lost memory that was buried to get through.
It’s these kinds of days…. those kinds of days that my words can’t explain. My tears can’t wash away. And my heart can’t understand.
It’s these kinds of days…. those kinds of days…. that drape my soul with the heaviness that I once carried morning and night. The cloth that once veiled my interpretation of life has come back to remind me of who I was and who I’ve been. Where I’ve been and what I’ve seen.
Even though they still reside deep within me… and surface every now and then. I don’t run from them anymore. I don’t hide. I just sit. I sit and let it say what it has to say. I let it convey whatever it needs to convey. I sit and I welcome it. I nurture it and embrace it. And then I let it go. I release the pain and the sadness of memories that were never made. I release the loss of all I had hoped to have.
Once the cloak is lifted, once I have rebalanced my inner self: I open my eyes back to my reality…. back to the me I now know…. and I reflect. And I disect. And I push myself to move. Knowing…. understanding…. that I am love. And I will never face anything that my heart can’t withstand. That it will be okay. That I will be okay. That I am okay.
It’s days like these…. days like those…. that the world around me doesn’t exist.
Going through the words, poems, stories and memories that I have recorded on paper over the past few years can make my heart tremble at times. The pain that drenched so many of my days still lingers silently in the background of my mind.
Inside of me:
Every moment, every day
navigating through; trying to find my way…
lonely sidewalks calling,
they all know my name
drenched in sorrow, sadness and
a tangled unnamed shame…
Every thought I process
another turn in this lonely game.
My words were so heavy with sadness, confusion and pain…. I remember looking at myself in the mirror not recognizing who I was behind the fake smiles that I wore most every day.
Reflecting on those words makes me that much more grateful for where I am today… As impossible as it once seemed, I have found the light at the end of my tunnel and have made peace with my past and my pains. My journey is far from over and I’m sure there will be more hurdles…. But my heart no longer hurts as it did before. My soul no longer longs for anything more. It took years, it took patience, it took strength and it took more soul searching than I could have ever imagined, but after a long battle of confusion within myself, I found light.I found peace. And I am finally free.
Now, on to my next journey…