.Project You

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You…. Wake up every day. Eyes open, chest rising and falling. The thoughts, plans, lists and responsibilities start running through your mind. Your body resists the urge to move, stretch, get out bed. The lights come on, your eyes squint, your breathing patterns get shorter and you start your day. No matter what you do today, you are doing it. The hours pass, the stress levels rise and fall. Emotions come in waves throughout the day. Laughter, joy, calmness, annoyance, hunger, numbness, anger, stress, enjoyment, pride, success, grief, pain, sleepiness. It all affects your mind, your plans, your body. Night falls, your body rests in its place. Your breathing deepens, your day, events, ups and downs, they run through your mind and you try to clear your thoughts. Lights off, phones down, your eyes shut and your thoughts get muted by your desire to rest, you and take a break only to wake up tomorrow to do the same thing.
What is this? What the hell are we doing? Auto pilot is a thing. And this ride called life that I have been a passenger on for 33 years is annoying. The fleeting moments of happiness that triumphed through the dark were moments that I still cling to because the majority of my life has been veiled in pain from these emotions that plague me. I had moments where I took the wheel as much as possible and made “big” changes in my so called daily life. That’s great and all, but where did it get me? To a new city, with a new job, new friends, new experiences, yay me, but still in this body – still breathing, moving, resting, feeling, living……. Without my consent. And I just have to deal with it. What the hell are we really doing here?

Is it a game? Is it for entertainment? Is it a test? We have all heard of dozens of theories, religious insights, beliefs, hopes, patters, scientific evolution to try to explain our significance, but just as I prefer dark chocolate over milk chocolate and I think that we should all help our fellow humans no matter who they are or where we are in life, our ideas of why we are here and the direction of our moral compasses are just that, ideas…. Nothing more. They are and were created by the minds we can’t control or understand anyway. So, how do we accept these ideas as steadfast truths? Does anyone really believe any of it anyway? Isn’t everything relative? Or do they just hold onto the thought or belief of it as a form of solace and security to get through this strange stage of life as we know it?

Non conformance to the belief system our society holds firm to doesn’t make us unique or wiser than the average bear…. But I choose to keep my eyes open and my mind flexible to different concepts, ideas and visions of what life is all about. At the same time, as much as I would like to figure it all out – I would also like to enjoy it – while I am here – because I don’t really have a choice or a say in where I am going after this or what happen to me later today…. All I have is this moment, and this moment is mine, and I will embrace it as is and will enjoy it as much as humanly possible.

 

.knowing when to stop

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love is a drug that you can’t dabble in. it’s highly addictive. and often destructive to the creature who carries it.

As a highly sensitive person I’ve experienced great emotional connections that at the time were explosive inside creating a cosmic balance that seemed un-earthly. I’m a gentle soul and often quiet, also highly expressive, emotional and passionate, so there is often a tremendous spark, if not a bonfire, of attraction and energy between me and the one I love. It becomes an addiction that I can’t control despite the risk of losing myself to whom ever I love.

Highly sensitive people, I’ve noticed are natural nurtures with a strong, driving desire to foster others’ personal growth. We are the world’s counsellors, finding personal fulfilment in helping and encouraging other people. They can often sense another person’s deeper feelings, seeing through the façade that other people wear and directly to the emotions buried down deep. Knowing that these deep-rooted feelings and beliefs are painful, we want and tend to respond compassionately to try to help that person grow. It’s an added thrill to see the people we reach thrive because we’ve been able to touch and recognize a soul that might not have been if it weren’t for our empathy and drive.

I see nothing wrong in this, until you make it a perpetual routine. Because you lose focus on yourself. You create a cycle where it’s all you do and you lose who YOU are. I know I’ve lost who I am. And I’m the only one to blame.

It wasn’t until I realized that I need to find balance between tending to other’s and tending to myself that I started to pull back and work on myself and my desires to grow internally. It seems like a healthy choice, but when you have been one way for so long, the people around you fight the change. The people you love think it’s their fault and they get hurt. The man I love is a highly sensitive person, just as I am. Both wanting to help and build each other up, we thrive on seeing the other succeed in personal and spiritual growth…. We lost ourselves in those desires. We made mistakes, some unknowingly, and some intentionally… it took months of trying to heal the wounds – tending to each other’s needs in order to heal each other… but that was the problem in its self. We counted on each other to fix the other.

Clearly, it was not healthy. But tell that to my heart. She longs for more – for fifth and sixth chances at this highly passionate and explosive love. She fights on a daily basis with logic, past mistakes, and learned knowledge…. She self imploded on a daily basis. So then I ask myself, how can it hurt so badly? Why would doing something right be so devastating to us both? WHY did we ruin something so amazing?

The questions keep coming, the answers far from surfacing….
How do you know when enough is enough? How do you push yourself to let go? How do you know when its time to try again?
Love is a beautiful thing. But if it’s real enough, passionate enough, strong enough… It will consume you and cause you to question everything.

And it hurts.

.it takes a village

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The saying goes “it takes a village to raise a child”. But it goes much deeper in my mind. To me, it takes a village, my people, our people, to live a life.

. let me explain

I am a huge advocate of inner happiness, growth, and greatness. I believe we are all amazing creatures that travel through time and space and have very important reasons for being where we are and who we are at all times. We need to love ourselves and trust in ourselves to be the best beings we can be. However, I also believe that we need our people. I need my people, my family, my tribe.
My people are the ones who pick me up when I fall apart, the ones I help when they are crumbling. When one of us fall the others are there to catch them. When one of us thrive the others are cheering them on. We thrive on love.

When we surround ourselves with the beautiful people we call our own, we find strength to be true to ourselves, to be brave… to be happy being perfectly imperfect. In this strength, I believe we become better versions of ourselves.

I’m far from perfect, in fact I’m pretty much a body made up of flaws sewn together. My trials and tribulations have made me who I am. They have taught me what I can be, who I don’t want to be, and what I can offer others…. My tribe sees that and they are ok with me just being me. Even if the only thing I can offer them is a smile.
It takes a village (tribe) to get through this journey we call life as happily, gracefully, and courageously as we can.
No matter how independent you are…. the moment you recognize your tribe members, you will feel more at home than ever before. Don’t take them for granted. Don’t forget who you are and what you are here for. Find it. Live it out. And love your people!!

. enjoy life

.hello – i am art

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Let me begin by introducing myself. I am a writer, a poet, an artist, a singer, a marketing manager, a mother, a friend, a sister, a cousin, a co-worker, an enemy, a lost love, a forgotten friend, a trouble maker, a schemer, a wanna-be optimist, a dreamer, a lover, a fighter, a quitter, a sorrowful soul and mostly I am a work of art….

Just like you!

As I sit here trying to find a venue to express my inner – multi colored madness I choke up as my words hit the page. My passion is expression. It’s fueled with overflowing emotion that seeps out of me and onto my fellow cohorts (sometimes it’s welcomed, sometimes it’s not).  I wear my heart on my sleeve and every day I find new things to be passionate about, to feel sadness over, to find joy in and even to dream of.

This blog, just like my poetry, paintings, sketches and stories is another chance for me to express my vision of the world. To share from my experiences, to offer guidance or lessons or perhaps a simple smile to anyone willing to read.

.enjoy

True artistic expression lies in conveying emotion.
Angel Haze