.Project You

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You…. Wake up every day. Eyes open, chest rising and falling. The thoughts, plans, lists and responsibilities start running through your mind. Your body resists the urge to move, stretch, get out bed. The lights come on, your eyes squint, your breathing patterns get shorter and you start your day. No matter what you do today, you are doing it. The hours pass, the stress levels rise and fall. Emotions come in waves throughout the day. Laughter, joy, calmness, annoyance, hunger, numbness, anger, stress, enjoyment, pride, success, grief, pain, sleepiness. It all affects your mind, your plans, your body. Night falls, your body rests in its place. Your breathing deepens, your day, events, ups and downs, they run through your mind and you try to clear your thoughts. Lights off, phones down, your eyes shut and your thoughts get muted by your desire to rest, you and take a break only to wake up tomorrow to do the same thing.
What is this? What the hell are we doing? Auto pilot is a thing. And this ride called life that I have been a passenger on for 33 years is annoying. The fleeting moments of happiness that triumphed through the dark were moments that I still cling to because the majority of my life has been veiled in pain from these emotions that plague me. I had moments where I took the wheel as much as possible and made “big” changes in my so called daily life. That’s great and all, but where did it get me? To a new city, with a new job, new friends, new experiences, yay me, but still in this body – still breathing, moving, resting, feeling, living……. Without my consent. And I just have to deal with it. What the hell are we really doing here?

Is it a game? Is it for entertainment? Is it a test? We have all heard of dozens of theories, religious insights, beliefs, hopes, patters, scientific evolution to try to explain our significance, but just as I prefer dark chocolate over milk chocolate and I think that we should all help our fellow humans no matter who they are or where we are in life, our ideas of why we are here and the direction of our moral compasses are just that, ideas…. Nothing more. They are and were created by the minds we can’t control or understand anyway. So, how do we accept these ideas as steadfast truths? Does anyone really believe any of it anyway? Isn’t everything relative? Or do they just hold onto the thought or belief of it as a form of solace and security to get through this strange stage of life as we know it?

Non conformance to the belief system our society holds firm to doesn’t make us unique or wiser than the average bear…. But I choose to keep my eyes open and my mind flexible to different concepts, ideas and visions of what life is all about. At the same time, as much as I would like to figure it all out – I would also like to enjoy it – while I am here – because I don’t really have a choice or a say in where I am going after this or what happen to me later today…. All I have is this moment, and this moment is mine, and I will embrace it as is and will enjoy it as much as humanly possible.

 

.in my life… no one compares to you

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“There are places I’ll remember…

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain…

All these places have their moments…

With lovers and friends I still can recall.

Some are dead and some are living

In my life, I’ve loved them all…

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new.”

These lyrics have always touched my heart. They ring true now more than ever. Love is a beautiful gift. I’ll never understand how the human heart works… but the love I have for myself and for my tribe, it’s all I need. And it keeps me going. It gives me a reason to open my eyes in the morning. It gives me a reason to inhale the world around me and absorb the enormous amounts of life and peace that fill my soul. I’m blessed. I’m happy. I’m grateful. For once. In my life, I now know why it all happened the way it did. I now see where I’m going. And I now can enjoy the ride. This love…. is something new. 

In my life…. I love you more ❤

This love is something new

.love yourself

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I love you. I love me. I love us. I love we.

I have fallen in love with myself – therefore I am free to love you with no boundaries.
Can you say that you love yourself? Every inch of you? Every freckle, dimple, and hair? Do you love yourself beyond the temporary body you reside in? Do you realize just who you are? Not what you have become here, or who they say you are or ought to be… But who YOU are? Because you are me. And you are you. You are the blades of grass. You are the flakes of snow. You are the sun shining bright and the moon with its seducing glow. You are the very things and ones you love. You are divine. And I love you because I love me.

Namaste
*Jane Fox

i am

.holidays

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Happy holidays! We say…..

Not always happy, but holidays they are.  The memories and stories I have are endless… Good and bad. Ones that make me laugh. Ones that make me cry. Ones that make me question what in the heavens I was thinking… But the memories stand out on the holidays compared to any other day. Society has created a culture that makes these days more important than the others… And our expectations have embraced that mentality which leads to an increase in depression during the holiday season because those expectations are not being met.
But, each holiday is really just another day. We have to understand that. At least those of us who struggle do.
Many of us have an empty chair at the table, an absence in our hearts and a picture in our minds of how it would be if that person(s) were there. We feel somber when we try to be jolly like everyone else; when we try to ignore the pain that our hearts feel.
If the expectation is dropped perhaps we won’t feel that pain anymore than we would on any other day.
When you miss someone you miss them every day. In everything you do. Because of the love and bond that you share. And that’s okay.
My point is…. Holidays can make you gloomier than normal if you let them. Don’t let them. Its just another day. And your love is still your love. You don’t have to pretend, but breathe easy knowing that it will pass just as any other day and focus on that love that you are feeling instead. Send it to them. They will feel it no matter where they are.

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.reasons for your smile

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An ode to the little boy who changed my life, my little chapulin.

Reasons for your smile

Sunday sun came without warning
I didn’t know just what to do…
When I think of all the places
And spaces when time stood still
All of the faces that I thought I knew…
And then I had you.

All of the magic that I held in my hands
Beauty in its rarest form
It all came true when I had you…
Who could know the reason for your smile
All of the wonders in your mind

Your brightly colored reasons
Surpassing expectations held in time…
Behind your eyes, my mind wandered
Capturing the pictures, living through you

No reason for sadness, no reason for blue
No reasons to fear the dreams in your mind
The keys to this world, you’re destined to find
You sail to the sky, with your head held high
Little boy, divine
How you always shine…

So young and innocent
So beautiful, your mind…
So pure, your wise old heart…
Strong like an ox, smart like an owl, boy you know it all
Teach me how to see like you,
Teach me how to play…
In my heart, is your home, and that is where you’ll stay

 

.baby blues

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Your mouth is moving

But your eyes say so much more

I’m hearing words

But they fall right to the floor

It doesn’t take much to see through your facade

Your smile is sweet

But your touch feels odd

I pray that you don’t feel the need

To mask your insecurities from the one that you see

I’m standing here with my guard down

Inviting you to stay and lay…

Everything out

Just open up

And be true To you

Baby, let’s play the blues

Of our stories and fears

Our failures and tears

It’s okay to be scared

But don’t you even dare…

To think that I will judge

Or be harsh or unfair

Let me in baby

Let me see who you are

Where you’ve been is part of you

A part that I want to share

Let’s sing the blues, baby

Just you and me

Let’s sing the blues, baby

Let’s set ourselves free

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.you

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How can I love you in so many untold ways?
The depth of the sea nor the height of highest mountain top peak
Compare to the magnitude of love and passion that my heart holds for you

My fears hold me back from showing you
My angst prevents it from transcending…
My flaws mask the sincerity
And yet you still love me…

Your mind is a beautiful canvas
It holds secrets that no one will ever know…
Your soul power is overwhelming
And your heart overflows with a deep passionate love… For everything and everyone. For the good and the bad.

I wish I had the words that would impress a great poet…
But words don’t suffice when you are the subject…
You’re a beautiful soul and I think you know it.

Smile for me, beautiful one
Smile for me….and let us fly home