.the kind of day where words don’t suffice

Lost in my mind with a million thoughts surfacing… one after another. The maybes. The what ifs. The whys. The why nots. Memories of beauty. Of pure bliss. Memories of sadness and gut wrenching pain. They bring back emotions that seem to be reborn; even for just a moment or two, they become alive again. Some memories have faded and some disappear all together until they reinvent themselves in what seems to be a dejavu but is really just a lost memory that was buried to get through. 

It’s these kinds of days…. those kinds of days that my words can’t explain. My tears can’t wash away. And my heart can’t understand. 

It’s these kinds of days…. those kinds of days…. that drape my soul with the heaviness that I once carried morning and night. The cloth that once veiled my interpretation of life has come back to remind me of who I was and who I’ve been. Where I’ve been and what I’ve seen. 

Even though they still reside deep within me…  and surface every now and then. I don’t run from them anymore. I don’t hide. I just sit. I sit and let it say what it has to say. I let it convey whatever it needs to convey. I sit and I welcome it. I nurture it and embrace it.  And then I let it go. I release the pain and the sadness of memories that were never made. I release the loss of all I had hoped to have. 

Once the cloak is lifted, once I have rebalanced my inner self:  I open my eyes back to my reality…. back to the me I now know…. and I reflect. And I disect. And I push myself to move. Knowing…. understanding…. that I am love. And I will never face anything that my heart can’t withstand. That it will be okay. That I will be okay. That I am okay. 

It’s days like these…. days like those…. that the world around me doesn’t exist.