.then to now

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Going through the words, poems, stories and memories that I have recorded on paper over the past few  years can make my heart tremble at times. The pain that drenched so many of my days still lingers silently in the background of my mind.

Inside of me:

Every moment, every day
navigating through; trying to find my way…
lonely sidewalks calling,
they all know my name
drenched in sorrow, sadness and
a tangled unnamed shame…
Every thought I process
another turn in this lonely game.

My words were so heavy with sadness, confusion and pain…. I remember looking at myself in the mirror not recognizing who I was behind the fake smiles that I wore most every day. 

Reflecting on those words makes me that much more grateful for where I am today… As impossible as it once seemed, I have found the light at the end of my tunnel and have made peace with my past and my pains. My journey is far from over and I’m sure there will be more hurdles…. But my heart no longer hurts as it did before. My soul no longer longs for anything more. It took years, it took patience, it took strength and it took more soul searching than I could have ever imagined, but after a long battle of confusion within myself, I found light.I found peace. And I am finally free.

Now, on to my next journey…


 

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.what I carry inside

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It’s 6 o’clock on a Sunday

And the rain comes pouring down

The memories of what was and is

Always seem to get me down

I look beyond for a brand new hope

But my mind plays tricks on me

And when I think I’ve got it all figured out

Reality kindly greets me

Once again I’m reminded of

The memories that don’t seem to fade

The smile I wear

Can’t hide it all

The truth is I carry pain…

I’m left alone with the world inside

So different from the one you see

Even though my life is different now

The aches are just part of me

The sky is grey

It doesn’t bother me…

It feeds the sadness inside

And tomorrow when the sky is blue

I’ll have a chance to start new…

Maybe then, the sun will bring me joy

And the smile you see will be true

But until then I can’t hide it at all

I’m just feeling blue