.Not a day less

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From ever to ever leads to forever
Not a day less will do
We spend so much time being there for others
But I will not leave my forever alone
I have finally found my forever home…

From you, I have found that the uncertainties in my life
were only moments in time…
Like a handless clock with numbers,
time is found only in my mind
But forever seems to be so real when it’s with you

My forever exists only between us two
and even though forever is from ever to ever
Not a day less, from you, will do.

For me, you are the one
Truth in love is priceless
But true love always pays a price
Yet, nothing will keep me from loving you

You are the rest, the best and the untold stories of my life
With you I have less time and more forever
Within you I can finally rest.

True love is give and take
It is sacrifice
But there is nothing that can keep me from loving you
Not rain, storm, fire or ice
Within you I have found my forever…
Never again will I be alone
Because within you I have found my forever home.

 

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.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

.the moments when I miss

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Lost moments with loves I never knew…Missing the memories I never got to make…

Day dreaming of moments that I know I’ll never have… Questioning why things were never as they seemed. 

Longing for the person I had envisioned her to be. Missing what I had hoped she’d be but never was.

 How can you miss someone that was never real? 

There are times I wish I had her…..

To call and cry my fears too…..

To embrace and know I’m safe…..

I long for the non-judgmental love that a mother gives her child. For the support and guidance and unwavering compassion….

I long for what I never had. For one I’ve never met. 

I see them on the streets… I see them in the homes of my friends…. in the stores, books and movies….

But I’ve never known one to call my own. 

I long for the mother that I once built in my head. 

I long for the family that was never really real. 

I long. 

I fear I always will. 

.she is not me

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I love going through my journals, and the endless piles of tattered notebooks that fill my heart with nostalgia, love, pain and sometimes with peace…. An array of emotions usually come over as I live out the memories in my mind that inspired the words and scribbles. Sometimes it’s a smile or a tear, sometimes it’s gut wrenching sadness, and sometimes it’s bliss…. But every time I open those pages I seem to grow a little more, heal a little deeper, and love that much harder. It’s a process, but one that I thoroughly enjoy.

Here’s one I found from a time when the light at the end of my tunnel was dim. A time when I felt that my optimism had dissolved and all that was left was a memory of who I used to be.  ‘She is not me’ brings a heavy sadness, as you can see through her eyes and you see that she has become someone she doesn’t recognize anymore…. and it brings her enough pain to change.

Hopefully, at one point, these words are going to be lyrics rather than just poetry… I have a melody in my mind that the piano plays slowly…

.She is not me

It’s not simple to say
that most days I don’t recognize who I am
With these clothes
and these words
they all seem so simple,
but open the door,
I’ll put it all on the table…

I’ve lost the better half of me
She’s gone to a place that I can no longer see….
Wandering recklessly
She…..
She is not me

Smiles and laughing
the one with the quick wit
She’s not the one who you’d think
is endlessly crying…. inside
is endlessly dying

Walls and boundaries were set
the girl in the mirror….
she doesn’t recognize me

She stares right back….
Her eyes look so dim
why can’t she see through me?
to the one I am within….
She used to be so bright, she used to see so clear
but all I see staring is someone who is drowning in fear

I’ve lost the better half of me
She’s gone to a place that I can no longer see….
Wandering recklessly
She….
She is not me

crying

.let me say

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If you love me

Than let me say

That I am suffering

In an unfamiliar way…

Happiness is present

But sadness still prevails

Not sure how to handle it

Not sure what all it entails

But I am willing to challenge it

I am willing to push through…

I am willing to find a way

To make my dreams come true

Because, I know that happiness is a choice

And I know that things won’t ever change until I raise my voice…

So darling, Let me tell you

Darling, let me say

My love for you will never fade

Even on the saddest of days.

It’s just part of my journey

We will travel side by side

Don’t worry my sweet darling

Time is on our side

.you

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How can I love you in so many untold ways?
The depth of the sea nor the height of highest mountain top peak
Compare to the magnitude of love and passion that my heart holds for you

My fears hold me back from showing you
My angst prevents it from transcending…
My flaws mask the sincerity
And yet you still love me…

Your mind is a beautiful canvas
It holds secrets that no one will ever know…
Your soul power is overwhelming
And your heart overflows with a deep passionate love… For everything and everyone. For the good and the bad.

I wish I had the words that would impress a great poet…
But words don’t suffice when you are the subject…
You’re a beautiful soul and I think you know it.

Smile for me, beautiful one
Smile for me….and let us fly home

.He is

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Trapped in a body with so many limits
He struggles to find a rhythm that fits
The winding roads that lead him to nowhere…
It all builds up and causes him to question his sanity.
He wasn’t made for this world…
He doesn’t see what I see…
The strength, the wisdom, his divine being.

He bends and twists and still can’t fit
His heart aches for more…
His mind dissects it all…
His drive fuels his fire
But his anguish causes him to swim…
In a sea of uncertainties and questions of humanity and the realism of it all.

What is happiness for a man so unconventional?
How is peace of mind achieved?
His reasoning and expectations so far beyond his grasp…
He is living in his dreams…

His body now holds him…
Here in this place
His mind knows the truth
His soul wanders in space…
Calming his spirit;
As easy as taming a lion
He pretends to be average
But he can’t hide his shine…
The truth is….
He is truly divine

The truth is… He needs to shine