.in my life… no one compares to you

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“There are places I’ll remember…

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain…

All these places have their moments…

With lovers and friends I still can recall.

Some are dead and some are living

In my life, I’ve loved them all…

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new.”

These lyrics have always touched my heart. They ring true now more than ever. Love is a beautiful gift. I’ll never understand how the human heart works… but the love I have for myself and for my tribe, it’s all I need. And it keeps me going. It gives me a reason to open my eyes in the morning. It gives me a reason to inhale the world around me and absorb the enormous amounts of life and peace that fill my soul. I’m blessed. I’m happy. I’m grateful. For once. In my life, I now know why it all happened the way it did. I now see where I’m going. And I now can enjoy the ride. This love…. is something new. 

In my life…. I love you more ❤

This love is something new

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.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

.broken toys

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The little girl who grew up too fast
Always picking up the mess after others…

She learned to be a servant first
And not to forget to wear her plastic smile
She played with beaten down toys
And grew up surrounding herself
With broken boys
Always hoping to fix them…

She didn’t realize until it was too late
That the fixing wasn’t for them
That she needed someone
Who wasn’t broken like her
She found though, that no one would put her as priority
As she did the broken boys…

With no one to clean up her mess
She wiped away her tearful memories
And questioned the massive amounts of fears
Questioning her own sanity
Digging for more truths
Of the unconventional reality
That was bestowed upon her roots
The broken down girl
With her head in her hands
Wanted to feel secure
In herself or anyone else that wouldn’t
Use her for that plastic smile
And for her servant perks
For a moment to cherish and feel cherished
For a moment to prove that there is more to life….
And once and for all to throw away her tear stained strife.

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.invisible light

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In the midst of an endless night

Was a sliver of invisible light

It grew as my faith in it did

And as much as I envisioned it enveloping me

It overflowed from within…

Before long the night had disappeared

And the invisible light shined so bright

That it escaped through my eyes

And into the world it poured out…

The night was gone unless I wanted it there

Always willing to come back and share it’s scare

But alas, my choice was light

And so I went on living in nothing but

A bright bold ray of love and might

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.time and change

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Right when I thought I knew who I was…. Boom. I realize that just today I am different than yesterday.

Its crazy how quickly we can morph into something we never thought we would. Not necessarily because we are opposed to it, but because it was never something we thought of to begin with.

Growth and change are something we were born to do. To expand our knowledge and spirituality. Our oneness with everyone and everything. I believe we had knowledge and acceptance of it when we were children but society changes the way we think and for one reason or another we digress and have to start over as adults.
I find it fascinating and beautiful really. How every moment is a chance to start over. To wipe the slate clean. To experience new ways of thinking and accepting new truths as your own.

People often ask me what I believe in because that’s small talk nowadays I suppose…. And they usually don’t like my answer. My answer is always the same, though. I don’t know what I believe completely, because I learn more every day, but I do know what I don’t believe and that brings me peace. Most people don’t know how to respond to that because they are expecting me to answer the same way they do… With this cement answer stating that I know this certain truth and nothing can shake my faith. Truth is, I have that faith but it is a faith in the unknown. The acceptance in knowing that I know nothing compared to what’s really out there and that my goal is to learn all that I possibly can.

I know who I am not. I know exactly the kind of person I will never be. But I am open to change and expansion and growth on so many levels. Beyond my own person journey I also get to enjoy and benefit from watching the people I love experience the same thing.

I’ve thought that I knew people to a T….

And then the beautiful part comes in and they find a new path, an opportunity for change and growth and they begin to wander down the road of uncertainty with a heart full of hope and openness. Granted, there have been times when I didn’t want certain people to change, but their change encouraged my own. And regardless of my liking, it is part of who we are as humans. And so I remind myself of how important it is to be supportive and encouraging through those amazing transitions.
It is a blessing to be able to be there and to be part of it.

Bottom line is. Be aware of your growth. And the growth of the people surrounding you. Don’t hold back or fear the unknown. Its a beautiful, natural progression that is necessary for more reasons than we can understand.
Namaste
-Jane Fox

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.she is not me

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I love going through my journals, and the endless piles of tattered notebooks that fill my heart with nostalgia, love, pain and sometimes with peace…. An array of emotions usually come over as I live out the memories in my mind that inspired the words and scribbles. Sometimes it’s a smile or a tear, sometimes it’s gut wrenching sadness, and sometimes it’s bliss…. But every time I open those pages I seem to grow a little more, heal a little deeper, and love that much harder. It’s a process, but one that I thoroughly enjoy.

Here’s one I found from a time when the light at the end of my tunnel was dim. A time when I felt that my optimism had dissolved and all that was left was a memory of who I used to be.  ‘She is not me’ brings a heavy sadness, as you can see through her eyes and you see that she has become someone she doesn’t recognize anymore…. and it brings her enough pain to change.

Hopefully, at one point, these words are going to be lyrics rather than just poetry… I have a melody in my mind that the piano plays slowly…

.She is not me

It’s not simple to say
that most days I don’t recognize who I am
With these clothes
and these words
they all seem so simple,
but open the door,
I’ll put it all on the table…

I’ve lost the better half of me
She’s gone to a place that I can no longer see….
Wandering recklessly
She…..
She is not me

Smiles and laughing
the one with the quick wit
She’s not the one who you’d think
is endlessly crying…. inside
is endlessly dying

Walls and boundaries were set
the girl in the mirror….
she doesn’t recognize me

She stares right back….
Her eyes look so dim
why can’t she see through me?
to the one I am within….
She used to be so bright, she used to see so clear
but all I see staring is someone who is drowning in fear

I’ve lost the better half of me
She’s gone to a place that I can no longer see….
Wandering recklessly
She….
She is not me

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. the trail

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An ocean of sadness that swallowed her whole.
Questioning her sanity, she began to fall… Deeper into the rushing waves of sheer madness and pain.

Always, she wondered… If it would be the same. She didn’t know just what to do… So she clenched onto her dreams, wishing that they’d all come true.

She left a trail of memories with every tear that stained her face.
She left behind her sadness…
Moving forward in all her tainted grace.