.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

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.she is not me

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I love going through my journals, and the endless piles of tattered notebooks that fill my heart with nostalgia, love, pain and sometimes with peace…. An array of emotions usually come over as I live out the memories in my mind that inspired the words and scribbles. Sometimes it’s a smile or a tear, sometimes it’s gut wrenching sadness, and sometimes it’s bliss…. But every time I open those pages I seem to grow a little more, heal a little deeper, and love that much harder. It’s a process, but one that I thoroughly enjoy.

Here’s one I found from a time when the light at the end of my tunnel was dim. A time when I felt that my optimism had dissolved and all that was left was a memory of who I used to be.  ‘She is not me’ brings a heavy sadness, as you can see through her eyes and you see that she has become someone she doesn’t recognize anymore…. and it brings her enough pain to change.

Hopefully, at one point, these words are going to be lyrics rather than just poetry… I have a melody in my mind that the piano plays slowly…

.She is not me

It’s not simple to say
that most days I don’t recognize who I am
With these clothes
and these words
they all seem so simple,
but open the door,
I’ll put it all on the table…

I’ve lost the better half of me
She’s gone to a place that I can no longer see….
Wandering recklessly
She…..
She is not me

Smiles and laughing
the one with the quick wit
She’s not the one who you’d think
is endlessly crying…. inside
is endlessly dying

Walls and boundaries were set
the girl in the mirror….
she doesn’t recognize me

She stares right back….
Her eyes look so dim
why can’t she see through me?
to the one I am within….
She used to be so bright, she used to see so clear
but all I see staring is someone who is drowning in fear

I’ve lost the better half of me
She’s gone to a place that I can no longer see….
Wandering recklessly
She….
She is not me

crying

.let me say

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If you love me

Than let me say

That I am suffering

In an unfamiliar way…

Happiness is present

But sadness still prevails

Not sure how to handle it

Not sure what all it entails

But I am willing to challenge it

I am willing to push through…

I am willing to find a way

To make my dreams come true

Because, I know that happiness is a choice

And I know that things won’t ever change until I raise my voice…

So darling, Let me tell you

Darling, let me say

My love for you will never fade

Even on the saddest of days.

It’s just part of my journey

We will travel side by side

Don’t worry my sweet darling

Time is on our side

. the trail

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An ocean of sadness that swallowed her whole.
Questioning her sanity, she began to fall… Deeper into the rushing waves of sheer madness and pain.

Always, she wondered… If it would be the same. She didn’t know just what to do… So she clenched onto her dreams, wishing that they’d all come true.

She left a trail of memories with every tear that stained her face.
She left behind her sadness…
Moving forward in all her tainted grace.

.what I carry inside

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It’s 6 o’clock on a Sunday

And the rain comes pouring down

The memories of what was and is

Always seem to get me down

I look beyond for a brand new hope

But my mind plays tricks on me

And when I think I’ve got it all figured out

Reality kindly greets me

Once again I’m reminded of

The memories that don’t seem to fade

The smile I wear

Can’t hide it all

The truth is I carry pain…

I’m left alone with the world inside

So different from the one you see

Even though my life is different now

The aches are just part of me

The sky is grey

It doesn’t bother me…

It feeds the sadness inside

And tomorrow when the sky is blue

I’ll have a chance to start new…

Maybe then, the sun will bring me joy

And the smile you see will be true

But until then I can’t hide it at all

I’m just feeling blue

.highway to nowhere

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People think I’m a drifter
strolling down the highway of life
looking for quick pick me ups
to erase all of my strife…

But my journey just beginning
with every ride I hitch
the curves and twists never ending
there is no volume button or on and off switch…

There are times I wish I could stop
and enjoy the sweet serene
but behind every moment of calm
comes a dark, disturbed dream.

People often question
the madness I call my own
yet they keep on with their own path
leaving me all alone…

I’m on the highway to nowhere
with nothing and nobody to share
I’m on the highway to nowhere
truth is, they don’t even care…  Jane Fox©

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.losing control

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My life, not so different from your own comes with happiness, sadness, love and loss… I’ve given and taken. I’ve forgiven and begged for forgiveness my self. But somehow I can’t seem to forget. The pain weighs heavy on my heart. A journey through love and anguish that never seems to end. My heart is usually worn on my sleeve and my emotions overwhelming the people they encompass. After handing my heart to the one I thought would protect it I was left alone with my heart in pieces on the ground…. It torments me and creates an undoubtedly gloomy cloud that hovers over my soul. How can I trust anyone when I’ve lost my best friend? How can I open my heart when it’s in so many pieces….

rather than bottle it up… I’ll write it down.

Sinking ship

The underside of the lightly scented air
Is heavy with gloom and despair
Creeping in on all who seek
Something better than what you would normally think
Ravaging through the journey unknown

Like a sea of rock, pebble and stone
Surrounded by others but always alone
Broken down children who were forced to be grown
A magnitude of facets lighting up the dark sky

Giving hope to all idiots who continue to try
To make sense of this life and the things that come with
The boat is sinking and we need to jump ship
Before we are pulled down to a bottomless pit

What will we have left when there is nothing left to give?
It’s time to make big choices in the ways that we love and live. – Jane Fox ©