.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

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.what I carry inside

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It’s 6 o’clock on a Sunday

And the rain comes pouring down

The memories of what was and is

Always seem to get me down

I look beyond for a brand new hope

But my mind plays tricks on me

And when I think I’ve got it all figured out

Reality kindly greets me

Once again I’m reminded of

The memories that don’t seem to fade

The smile I wear

Can’t hide it all

The truth is I carry pain…

I’m left alone with the world inside

So different from the one you see

Even though my life is different now

The aches are just part of me

The sky is grey

It doesn’t bother me…

It feeds the sadness inside

And tomorrow when the sky is blue

I’ll have a chance to start new…

Maybe then, the sun will bring me joy

And the smile you see will be true

But until then I can’t hide it at all

I’m just feeling blue

.memories

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My heart longs for the memories that I never got to make with you…
My soul cries for the future I had painted that was simply washed away…
Missing the parts that never happened…
Wiping my tears with a cloth full of regrets…
My heart not whole, my mind in turmoil
Sometimes I lose who I am.
In the end I see a light…
She is dim but I know she is there…
In time my soul will heal
Until then… I will try to numb what I feel

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.invisible tears

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The unseen scars that are left behind
Are usually hiding beneath the skin
Deep within they build and breed
You think they are healed
Until they rip and bleed…

Soft spoken words
Disguise the pain she hides inside
A smile or joke or a quiet little laugh
You think she is happy
But she is dying inside…

She thinks she is strong
But she is not strong enough…
She gathers the pieces
And forms them into love

Her heart so distorted from the many
Snags and tears
She fills her mind with wonders
On dreams she won’t ever share…

Her wounds wide open
A smile upon her face
And with each tomorrow
She warmly welcomes her next mistake…

-Jane Fox

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.in my life

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I listen to the words of one of my favorite songs by the Beatles, In My Life, and it breaks my heart.

I love people. I’ve loved some more than others. And I’ve loved one more than anything… I’ve trusted and been let down. I’ve worn the rose colored glasses and practically worshiped the man I love.
I love my children with a love that rips me apart each time I think of them.

I love my friends, who have have become my family. And I love them with every ounce of love I have left.

I’ve loved myself and tried to stay true to who I am but often, I lose track of that and love my people more.

I love. I am love. I share love. Yet love consumes me and often ends up hurting me more than I can handle…

I’ve lost a lot. And I appreciate the experiences that love has brought. But I can’t justify the pain that comes when that love is not reciprocated or when it gets torn away from me.

I’m in between, as I can’t control who I love. But I’m tired of getting hurt. And I’m sorry if I take it out on you as I search for balance.

To all whom I love, to all who I ever loved… I love you truly and unconditionally and I always will.

in my life *click here to listen

.to my lost lover

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It was you and always you
The one I held so high
Imperfections were present
But they never made me fly

I thought I gave it all to you
My hopes, my dreams, my worst fears

I failed at being the best I could
I fell short of your expectations
I thought with all my heart I could…
But I was only me…

I tried to be a better version
I tried to love you more
Yet still, I made you run… right out the front door…

The answers to my prayers, you were.           But I to you, was the cloud in front of your sun.

You loved me.
I know you did.
And my heart will forever have a place in you.

But I wasn’t enough.
I’m sorry I let you down…
I’m sorry I lost my way…

To my lover, I would have died for you
I would have given all for you
I was waiting for that day

What’s left now is two broken hearts
navigating through the endless trails of lost hope and regrets…
I wish you would have held on longer. I wish you wouldn’t have strayed.
I wish I could have shown you my heart and treat you to the best of days…

And so, my lover I let you go
In sorrow I ask you to hold
The memories that won’t leave my side
The heartache that resides in my soul

You’ll always be the one I wanted
You’ll always hold that part
You’ll always be….
What meant most

But now our paths have changed and the wind has set you free

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.knowing when to stop

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love is a drug that you can’t dabble in. it’s highly addictive. and often destructive to the creature who carries it.

As a highly sensitive person I’ve experienced great emotional connections that at the time were explosive inside creating a cosmic balance that seemed un-earthly. I’m a gentle soul and often quiet, also highly expressive, emotional and passionate, so there is often a tremendous spark, if not a bonfire, of attraction and energy between me and the one I love. It becomes an addiction that I can’t control despite the risk of losing myself to whom ever I love.

Highly sensitive people, I’ve noticed are natural nurtures with a strong, driving desire to foster others’ personal growth. We are the world’s counsellors, finding personal fulfilment in helping and encouraging other people. They can often sense another person’s deeper feelings, seeing through the façade that other people wear and directly to the emotions buried down deep. Knowing that these deep-rooted feelings and beliefs are painful, we want and tend to respond compassionately to try to help that person grow. It’s an added thrill to see the people we reach thrive because we’ve been able to touch and recognize a soul that might not have been if it weren’t for our empathy and drive.

I see nothing wrong in this, until you make it a perpetual routine. Because you lose focus on yourself. You create a cycle where it’s all you do and you lose who YOU are. I know I’ve lost who I am. And I’m the only one to blame.

It wasn’t until I realized that I need to find balance between tending to other’s and tending to myself that I started to pull back and work on myself and my desires to grow internally. It seems like a healthy choice, but when you have been one way for so long, the people around you fight the change. The people you love think it’s their fault and they get hurt. The man I love is a highly sensitive person, just as I am. Both wanting to help and build each other up, we thrive on seeing the other succeed in personal and spiritual growth…. We lost ourselves in those desires. We made mistakes, some unknowingly, and some intentionally… it took months of trying to heal the wounds – tending to each other’s needs in order to heal each other… but that was the problem in its self. We counted on each other to fix the other.

Clearly, it was not healthy. But tell that to my heart. She longs for more – for fifth and sixth chances at this highly passionate and explosive love. She fights on a daily basis with logic, past mistakes, and learned knowledge…. She self imploded on a daily basis. So then I ask myself, how can it hurt so badly? Why would doing something right be so devastating to us both? WHY did we ruin something so amazing?

The questions keep coming, the answers far from surfacing….
How do you know when enough is enough? How do you push yourself to let go? How do you know when its time to try again?
Love is a beautiful thing. But if it’s real enough, passionate enough, strong enough… It will consume you and cause you to question everything.

And it hurts.