.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

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.escalate your mind

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High tide
Purple mountain
Revolution pride…
Dirty water
Smokey skies
Transcending into time…
Walking through the rivers
Elevating minds
Take the time to escalate
All it is you find

Lonely sidewalks sliding
They all know my name
Traveled on before hand…
In this never ending game
Roaring waters pushing
Bouncing back in time

Crimson clouds
Passion that seeps
Bones that ache
And feet that break…
The heavy load you’ve carried
About all you can take

Don’t lose faith in what you don’t know
Don’t hold back…
Let yourself grow
Expand your mind
Your soul, divine
Illuminate the darkness
That has crept in over time…

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.this time

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The days where I feel a slight spunk in my step and a happy go lucky attitude slowly taking over my pessimistic demeanor seem to stand out amongst the others. Its the days where I wake up rested and choose to make anything that comes my way work for the better. Its the days that I reach out to friends I haven’t talked to in a while to remind them that I love them. Its the days where the lack of money in my billfold doesn’t affect my mood. Its the days where I laugh at silly jokes and find myself smiling at the fond memories that play like a never ending record in my mind. Its days like that that give me hope for more.
Days like that don’t come as often as I would like. But they do come.
I realize, though, that most of this mad journey we are on is about those in-betweens.  Most of my bad days come from thinking about all the other bad days piling up…. So, I’ve chosen to focus on the good and make each moment a conscious choice to accept peace on every level. To be confident in my peace and to believe that it is my reality.

I find myself in a constant battle of holding onto what I have had and to opening my grasp to what is yet to come. Whether good or bad, everything runs its course and whether or not we like it, most things come to an end. I’ve made it my goal to really respect and cherish both ends of that; the beginnings and the ends. It takes a strong will to choose to be happy in the midst of the happenings in this world. Gloom and despair surround us, but so does joy and optimism. I’ve learned that there is always more than one perspective. And that there is always hope for inner and outter peace.

I am painting my life with each thought, choice, and action I make. My current is just as important as my past and my future. Each day has its own issues, each will bring its own lesson. And each day I will have the choice to choose how I view it, how I live it and what I learn from it. Namaste

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.happy by choice

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For a long while I have been aware that happiness is a state of mind. Your mind is something you can control – making happiness a conscious choice. Although our emotions can easily control our mind, our mind can also control our emotions.

It is hard to find peace within ourselves in the midst of our busy lives. I get lost so easily in the lists of tasks that I need to fill every ounce of my spare time with. There have been so many times where I have lost sight of who I am and what I need because I have titled myself with what I do. But…. I am not what I do; where I work, where I shop, or what I have accomplished. None of those things describe me, yet so often I title who I am with those things….

I have been on a spiritual journey for the last decade or so. I have been desperately trying to figure out who I am. What I need. And what brings me peace; It has humbled me, it has had me on my knees begging for guidance, it has thrown me in situations I didn’t know how to get out of, some of them I feared getting out of at all, and they caused me to question absolutely every truth I thought I knew. On the other end of that spectrum it has brought me courage, a thirst for knowledge, unity within myself and with others and an unconditional acceptance of myself and the rest of humanity as one. It has also taught me what love truly is.

Learning how to quiet my mind has been the biggest obstacle for me. But when I finally got it, I really got it. I can sit and zone out the world, I can listen to my soul and what the universe is saying to me as I breathe in my surroundings and breathe out the unrealistic expectations I have upon myself and reality. Understanding that the difference between reality and what I think reality should be has opened up an entire new world for me. The duality and cosmic balance that is always at battle within me gets turned off, or at least paused while I create an open space for my heart and soul to interact with my mind. No filters, no anxiety, no frustrations, no expectations, just quiet…. It has changed me. It has given me a place to go when the uncertainty of reality creeps in a little too strong. It gives me a place to go when I can’t answer questions about myself. I have an open book of answers to every question I have ever had and it is free and easily accessible whenever it is needed. All I have to do is take the time to read it.

As an artist I love to express my inner-self with words and visual art, but I now have this new obstacle I’m struggling with when it comes to this amazing new discovery within myself that I can’t seem express enough. I want to share it with others, but I haven’t found the right way. I can’t find the words to express the complete and purest form of happy that I have ever felt within myself. I can’t find the colors to paint that picture. But what I can express is that your heaven resides within yourself and it is a journey worth sacrificing time for.

I chose to be happy by taking action. I chose to shut out my insecurities and fears. And I have chosen to open my heart, mind and soul to knowledge I never knew existed. I can’t express the enormous amount of joy that it is bringing me. Choose to be happy, loves. Make it a conscious effort and find your path to peace. Close your eyes and listen to where your heart leads you. It is as simple as that.

Namaste
– Jane Fox

 

 

.paint your picture

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Picture this…..

You’re here because of where you’ve been.
You’ve been where you had to be to get you where you are.
You don’t like where you are so you continue to move.
You move forward to continue your path.
And down the road you’ll get to where you’ll get because of where you are now.
The path is just as important as the destination so keep your head up and absorb all around you. Appreciate each moment, no matter the emotion it invokes.

Choose wisely as you take your next leap of faith.

You’ll keep getting the same results if you keep making the same choices.
You want something different? You want more?
It’s all up to you in where you go from here.
Make it count. Make it great. Picture your ending and jump with enthusiasm.

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.reasons for your smile

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An ode to the little boy who changed my life, my little chapulin.

Reasons for your smile

Sunday sun came without warning
I didn’t know just what to do…
When I think of all the places
And spaces when time stood still
All of the faces that I thought I knew…
And then I had you.

All of the magic that I held in my hands
Beauty in its rarest form
It all came true when I had you…
Who could know the reason for your smile
All of the wonders in your mind

Your brightly colored reasons
Surpassing expectations held in time…
Behind your eyes, my mind wandered
Capturing the pictures, living through you

No reason for sadness, no reason for blue
No reasons to fear the dreams in your mind
The keys to this world, you’re destined to find
You sail to the sky, with your head held high
Little boy, divine
How you always shine…

So young and innocent
So beautiful, your mind…
So pure, your wise old heart…
Strong like an ox, smart like an owl, boy you know it all
Teach me how to see like you,
Teach me how to play…
In my heart, is your home, and that is where you’ll stay

 

.you

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How can I love you in so many untold ways?
The depth of the sea nor the height of highest mountain top peak
Compare to the magnitude of love and passion that my heart holds for you

My fears hold me back from showing you
My angst prevents it from transcending…
My flaws mask the sincerity
And yet you still love me…

Your mind is a beautiful canvas
It holds secrets that no one will ever know…
Your soul power is overwhelming
And your heart overflows with a deep passionate love… For everything and everyone. For the good and the bad.

I wish I had the words that would impress a great poet…
But words don’t suffice when you are the subject…
You’re a beautiful soul and I think you know it.

Smile for me, beautiful one
Smile for me….and let us fly home