.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

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.then to now

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Going through the words, poems, stories and memories that I have recorded on paper over the past few  years can make my heart tremble at times. The pain that drenched so many of my days still lingers silently in the background of my mind.

Inside of me:

Every moment, every day
navigating through; trying to find my way…
lonely sidewalks calling,
they all know my name
drenched in sorrow, sadness and
a tangled unnamed shame…
Every thought I process
another turn in this lonely game.

My words were so heavy with sadness, confusion and pain…. I remember looking at myself in the mirror not recognizing who I was behind the fake smiles that I wore most every day. 

Reflecting on those words makes me that much more grateful for where I am today… As impossible as it once seemed, I have found the light at the end of my tunnel and have made peace with my past and my pains. My journey is far from over and I’m sure there will be more hurdles…. But my heart no longer hurts as it did before. My soul no longer longs for anything more. It took years, it took patience, it took strength and it took more soul searching than I could have ever imagined, but after a long battle of confusion within myself, I found light.I found peace. And I am finally free.

Now, on to my next journey…


 

.sometimes

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sometimes we wonder
sometimes we wander
sometimes we stay in one place
often times we worry
often times we scurry
through the days in our current time and space

our hearts do the feeling
our minds do the thinking
our souls doing all and everything in-between
but, who do we follow?
who do we need?
what will we do to succeed?

why do we falter?
why do we second guess?
everything our heart feels…
and the thoughts our mind possess?

what is it that scares us?
what is it that holds us back?
what is it that chokes us so calmly and slow
that we can’t seem to stay on track?

we are like the lone rider
on a trail of our own
no support group to rally
even in our own home

but knowing we don’t need them;
the ones who claim to be but aren’t…
is our key to ultimate growth

fake smiles and fake clapping
they peer over your shoulder
pretending they care
when truly, your suffering is what they thrive on

open all the windows and the let the smoke cascade out
the battle you fight is more than internal
it’s all them without a doubt
be bigger in mind, in spirit and in hope
you have to look beyond
the picture that their words spoke

you are only who you are
not what they make you think
you are only who YOU are
not the Kool aide they made you drink

open your eyes and look closer
they have come between you and your ambition
you are their poster girl with no poster
you are all that they want to be

 

 

 

 

.escalate your mind

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High tide
Purple mountain
Revolution pride…
Dirty water
Smokey skies
Transcending into time…
Walking through the rivers
Elevating minds
Take the time to escalate
All it is you find

Lonely sidewalks sliding
They all know my name
Traveled on before hand…
In this never ending game
Roaring waters pushing
Bouncing back in time

Crimson clouds
Passion that seeps
Bones that ache
And feet that break…
The heavy load you’ve carried
About all you can take

Don’t lose faith in what you don’t know
Don’t hold back…
Let yourself grow
Expand your mind
Your soul, divine
Illuminate the darkness
That has crept in over time…

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.i’m not sorry

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Someone close to me recently pointed out how I apologize for things that are both in and out of my control. He pointed it out often, until I started to notice myself… Yesterday I counted 42 times before the day was over. Why am I so sorry? Truth is, I’ve been programmed to wish I was better and could fix all of your problems. That I am less than… That I am not enough unless I can fix your problems… The world’s problems. Truth is: I can’t. And I should not be sorry or disappointed when I can’t. Because that is reality.

Sorry not sorry
I’m not sorry… Truth be told
That I can’t help you when you don’t want to be helped
I’m not sorry that I was in your way when you chose to walk in my direction.
For not living up to your expectations…
I’m not sorry for that either
I’m not sorry that I can’t buy you happiness or give you all I have worked so hard for.
I’m not sorry that my opinion is different than yours
Or that I enjoy my music loud and powerful in the car next to you
I’m sorry not sorry for smiling at you when you are in a bad mood
I’m not sorry for getting offended when you say something stupid
I’m not sorry for calling you out when you are being naive
When I told you that you needed to wake the hell up and appreciate what is in front of you, I’m not sorry for that either
I’m not sorry for dressing the way I please
Or singing my way through the grocery store
I’m not sorry that I get overly excited over things that are insignificant to you
Those are the things that make me happy
They don’t have to make you happy too
I’m not sorry for not knowing how to do everything the right way
For making mistakes, I make them often and I’m not sorry for it
I’m not sorry that you can’t find your pen. Or that you are having a terrible day because you stubbed your toe this morning.
I’m not sorry that I have feelings I can’t explain.
And that I don’t know how to express them, I’m not sorry for that either.
I’m not sorry for crying when I need to cry.
Or for distancing myself when I need space to think.
I need what I need. And I am who I am. I am not sorry for that.
I am grateful for you… Being understanding, but not sorry.
One thing I AM sorry for, is that I had become this person who was sorry for existing unless it pleased you. She is gone now.
I am not sorry for being me. At all. I enjoy being me. Mistakes and all. I might be empathetic for your misfortunes but I don’t take the blame and I can’t be sorry for being who I am. I do my best to be the best me… This is all I’ve got.
If you choose to stay either way, I’m grateful. Sorry not sorry

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.broken toys

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The little girl who grew up too fast
Always picking up the mess after others…

She learned to be a servant first
And not to forget to wear her plastic smile
She played with beaten down toys
And grew up surrounding herself
With broken boys
Always hoping to fix them…

She didn’t realize until it was too late
That the fixing wasn’t for them
That she needed someone
Who wasn’t broken like her
She found though, that no one would put her as priority
As she did the broken boys…

With no one to clean up her mess
She wiped away her tearful memories
And questioned the massive amounts of fears
Questioning her own sanity
Digging for more truths
Of the unconventional reality
That was bestowed upon her roots
The broken down girl
With her head in her hands
Wanted to feel secure
In herself or anyone else that wouldn’t
Use her for that plastic smile
And for her servant perks
For a moment to cherish and feel cherished
For a moment to prove that there is more to life….
And once and for all to throw away her tear stained strife.

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.invisible light

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In the midst of an endless night

Was a sliver of invisible light

It grew as my faith in it did

And as much as I envisioned it enveloping me

It overflowed from within…

Before long the night had disappeared

And the invisible light shined so bright

That it escaped through my eyes

And into the world it poured out…

The night was gone unless I wanted it there

Always willing to come back and share it’s scare

But alas, my choice was light

And so I went on living in nothing but

A bright bold ray of love and might

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