.your self-proclaimed Eden

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You once told me that you no longer recognized me… 

Distaste spilled from your mouth as if this was a truth I should somehow have found shame in. But I knew better. Finally, I knew better. 

For you see, I am still me. It’s just that when we were together I was made a little more of “sorries” than I was of myself. 

 I was little more doormat than backbone and I was little more a weed in your garden of self proclaimed Eden than I was a beautiful, blooming wildflower. 

You said that I changed…. that I was no longer a person you once considered loving. Words designed to cut me to the ground beneath your feet; where you kept me so neatly trimmed for all those years, instead it fell as sweet liberation upon my ears. 

You were right. I was no longer the same reflection you once threw your scraps of love at. But not because I am someone else now. No. Because I finally became the me I too long let wither in your ego’s shadow. Because finally I stepped into the light and let myself bloom. I am me. I always was me. But finally, I am now JUST me. 

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.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

.escalate your mind

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High tide
Purple mountain
Revolution pride…
Dirty water
Smokey skies
Transcending into time…
Walking through the rivers
Elevating minds
Take the time to escalate
All it is you find

Lonely sidewalks sliding
They all know my name
Traveled on before hand…
In this never ending game
Roaring waters pushing
Bouncing back in time

Crimson clouds
Passion that seeps
Bones that ache
And feet that break…
The heavy load you’ve carried
About all you can take

Don’t lose faith in what you don’t know
Don’t hold back…
Let yourself grow
Expand your mind
Your soul, divine
Illuminate the darkness
That has crept in over time…

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.i’m not sorry

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Someone close to me recently pointed out how I apologize for things that are both in and out of my control. He pointed it out often, until I started to notice myself… Yesterday I counted 42 times before the day was over. Why am I so sorry? Truth is, I’ve been programmed to wish I was better and could fix all of your problems. That I am less than… That I am not enough unless I can fix your problems… The world’s problems. Truth is: I can’t. And I should not be sorry or disappointed when I can’t. Because that is reality.

Sorry not sorry
I’m not sorry… Truth be told
That I can’t help you when you don’t want to be helped
I’m not sorry that I was in your way when you chose to walk in my direction.
For not living up to your expectations…
I’m not sorry for that either
I’m not sorry that I can’t buy you happiness or give you all I have worked so hard for.
I’m not sorry that my opinion is different than yours
Or that I enjoy my music loud and powerful in the car next to you
I’m sorry not sorry for smiling at you when you are in a bad mood
I’m not sorry for getting offended when you say something stupid
I’m not sorry for calling you out when you are being naive
When I told you that you needed to wake the hell up and appreciate what is in front of you, I’m not sorry for that either
I’m not sorry for dressing the way I please
Or singing my way through the grocery store
I’m not sorry that I get overly excited over things that are insignificant to you
Those are the things that make me happy
They don’t have to make you happy too
I’m not sorry for not knowing how to do everything the right way
For making mistakes, I make them often and I’m not sorry for it
I’m not sorry that you can’t find your pen. Or that you are having a terrible day because you stubbed your toe this morning.
I’m not sorry that I have feelings I can’t explain.
And that I don’t know how to express them, I’m not sorry for that either.
I’m not sorry for crying when I need to cry.
Or for distancing myself when I need space to think.
I need what I need. And I am who I am. I am not sorry for that.
I am grateful for you… Being understanding, but not sorry.
One thing I AM sorry for, is that I had become this person who was sorry for existing unless it pleased you. She is gone now.
I am not sorry for being me. At all. I enjoy being me. Mistakes and all. I might be empathetic for your misfortunes but I don’t take the blame and I can’t be sorry for being who I am. I do my best to be the best me… This is all I’ve got.
If you choose to stay either way, I’m grateful. Sorry not sorry

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.invisible light

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In the midst of an endless night

Was a sliver of invisible light

It grew as my faith in it did

And as much as I envisioned it enveloping me

It overflowed from within…

Before long the night had disappeared

And the invisible light shined so bright

That it escaped through my eyes

And into the world it poured out…

The night was gone unless I wanted it there

Always willing to come back and share it’s scare

But alas, my choice was light

And so I went on living in nothing but

A bright bold ray of love and might

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.the beat

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A sweet supple sound that slowly penetrates my soul.

The hum of the bass behind the melody

Slowly stirring up a warmth I once forgot existed

Opening my eyes and seeing the truth

Feeling the beat

Swaying my hips and letting my eyes close once again…

Lost in my mind with the lyrics that preach my soul

Forever drifting to a place that only I can go

One that holds secrets you will never know

The paths I’ve been on, the ones I long for

Every shade of every emotion

Every color of solitude

Slowly repeating itself to the beat I once called home

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.paint your picture

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Picture this…..

You’re here because of where you’ve been.
You’ve been where you had to be to get you where you are.
You don’t like where you are so you continue to move.
You move forward to continue your path.
And down the road you’ll get to where you’ll get because of where you are now.
The path is just as important as the destination so keep your head up and absorb all around you. Appreciate each moment, no matter the emotion it invokes.

Choose wisely as you take your next leap of faith.

You’ll keep getting the same results if you keep making the same choices.
You want something different? You want more?
It’s all up to you in where you go from here.
Make it count. Make it great. Picture your ending and jump with enthusiasm.

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