.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

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.then to now

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Going through the words, poems, stories and memories that I have recorded on paper over the past few  years can make my heart tremble at times. The pain that drenched so many of my days still lingers silently in the background of my mind.

Inside of me:

Every moment, every day
navigating through; trying to find my way…
lonely sidewalks calling,
they all know my name
drenched in sorrow, sadness and
a tangled unnamed shame…
Every thought I process
another turn in this lonely game.

My words were so heavy with sadness, confusion and pain…. I remember looking at myself in the mirror not recognizing who I was behind the fake smiles that I wore most every day. 

Reflecting on those words makes me that much more grateful for where I am today… As impossible as it once seemed, I have found the light at the end of my tunnel and have made peace with my past and my pains. My journey is far from over and I’m sure there will be more hurdles…. But my heart no longer hurts as it did before. My soul no longer longs for anything more. It took years, it took patience, it took strength and it took more soul searching than I could have ever imagined, but after a long battle of confusion within myself, I found light.I found peace. And I am finally free.

Now, on to my next journey…


 

.i’m not sorry

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Someone close to me recently pointed out how I apologize for things that are both in and out of my control. He pointed it out often, until I started to notice myself… Yesterday I counted 42 times before the day was over. Why am I so sorry? Truth is, I’ve been programmed to wish I was better and could fix all of your problems. That I am less than… That I am not enough unless I can fix your problems… The world’s problems. Truth is: I can’t. And I should not be sorry or disappointed when I can’t. Because that is reality.

Sorry not sorry
I’m not sorry… Truth be told
That I can’t help you when you don’t want to be helped
I’m not sorry that I was in your way when you chose to walk in my direction.
For not living up to your expectations…
I’m not sorry for that either
I’m not sorry that I can’t buy you happiness or give you all I have worked so hard for.
I’m not sorry that my opinion is different than yours
Or that I enjoy my music loud and powerful in the car next to you
I’m sorry not sorry for smiling at you when you are in a bad mood
I’m not sorry for getting offended when you say something stupid
I’m not sorry for calling you out when you are being naive
When I told you that you needed to wake the hell up and appreciate what is in front of you, I’m not sorry for that either
I’m not sorry for dressing the way I please
Or singing my way through the grocery store
I’m not sorry that I get overly excited over things that are insignificant to you
Those are the things that make me happy
They don’t have to make you happy too
I’m not sorry for not knowing how to do everything the right way
For making mistakes, I make them often and I’m not sorry for it
I’m not sorry that you can’t find your pen. Or that you are having a terrible day because you stubbed your toe this morning.
I’m not sorry that I have feelings I can’t explain.
And that I don’t know how to express them, I’m not sorry for that either.
I’m not sorry for crying when I need to cry.
Or for distancing myself when I need space to think.
I need what I need. And I am who I am. I am not sorry for that.
I am grateful for you… Being understanding, but not sorry.
One thing I AM sorry for, is that I had become this person who was sorry for existing unless it pleased you. She is gone now.
I am not sorry for being me. At all. I enjoy being me. Mistakes and all. I might be empathetic for your misfortunes but I don’t take the blame and I can’t be sorry for being who I am. I do my best to be the best me… This is all I’ve got.
If you choose to stay either way, I’m grateful. Sorry not sorry

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.retaliation

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the danger of retaliation
is the continuation of violence
the inevitable outcome of a determined retribution
will end unpredictably…

karma wont stay away very long…
she will unfold an indiscernible curve ball
that will knock you off your feet
and bring an end to it all
hold tight to the truths that make you real

change the cycle now, that pushes you like a raging tide
from the instincts that are buried deep down inside
with hope for more chances to undo what has already been done
an endless battle that can’t seem to be won

.a not so pleasant reflection

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What is it that makes us create this ideal person in our minds? This person who should never fail, who should never fall or get upset? Why do we dwell on our shortcomings as if this person is expected to be golden?

Why can’t we just accept ourselves as is? And not in an “I’m okay with mediocrity and never going to grow” kind of way, but in a way that we accept ourselves as human beings with flaws. One that is inevitably going to make mistakes, and sometimes repeat them, one who is going to look stupid at times, step up to the plate when they are feeling frustrated and just be who they are?

So what I get upset sometimes, and say things I shouldn’t…. I was expressing what I felt at that moment. Or something silly got me excited so I squealed like a child… So what if I fall madly in love and don’t pay attention to the reality around me for a while… So fucking what?

People will always judge us, that is the most predictable part of the story, but shouldn’t we be free from judgment in even one element of our lives? In self love? Now, I am regretful of several things in my life, and at any given time, if the opportunity was present, I would go back and ask for a redo…. but that is because I have gone through the experiences of both the decisions and the outcomes.

At the time, I was just living.

And a lot of my bad choices are only bad because they didn’t get me where I would like to be now or they hurt someone… but if they had gotten me where I wanted and perhaps not hurt anyone along the way, would they have really been bad at all?

I don’t label myself a failure, but I have failed a lot. Because my expectations for myself are higher than for anyone else. I hold myself to this standard of perfection even though I am so far from my ideal self that, on occasion, I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. At the same time, I know that I am a very strong person, I am someone that I would like to be friends with…. I am a survivor. I am an inventor, I am an artist and lover and inspirer….. But to who?

I don’t inspire myself, so here I am again, seeing the good things about me only through someone else’s eyes. And the bad stands out like a peacock in a chicken coop. I’ve hurt someone that I love because I can’t seem to keep my rose colored glasses on for more than few moments at a time. I hold it all in until it all bursts out…. then…. pow. I’m back to square one.

Now I’m sick to my stomach in disgrace with my lack of tact and empathy because I spewed out all those nasty negatives that have been bundled up inside…. rather than work through them and find a solution… I just spewed it all out. I regret it, I shouldn’t have done it, but now what? How do I erase what I’ve said and how I have painted myself to be, both to this person and myself?

I want to apologize and wipe it away just suck up the emotions, whatever they were, and say they are gone… but are they? Will it fix anything? Or am I doomed to repeat my mistake once again…. After I hide it for a while as I attempt to live up to my perfect idea of me, will it creep back out of me? Will I ever “grow up”?

Maybe I should embrace those crazy emotions and say this is part of me… It is a part of me that is evolving still and hopefully will adapt to a more understanding demeanor in time. But alas, it is part of this big ball of good and bad I call myself. And like it or leave it, who I am is all I truly have in this world. I don’t control things, or people, or circumstances, but I have me, the good, the bad and the ugly until my time here is done…..

I still haven’t come to any fantastic conclusions or had an amen moment when I sit and try to figure this out, but I have realized that my choices now, dictate my future no matter how small. Words can’t be erased once said, feelings can’t be un-hurt, expectations can’t always be met, but with each stride I take, I grow a little more… and maybe one day that lady on the other side of the mirror will sincerely smile back. Maybe then, I will be able to be me without so much discontent. Maybe then, I will truly be free.

If you think of anything sooner than I do please let me know…. I forgot to mention that I am not very good with this thing called patience either….. Namaste!

.building me

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I need strength and clarity
I need hope for sanity
Through this restless storm
The rain clouds begin to form
Hoping that tomorrow brings
What yesterday has failed to see
The burden of what I have done
The choices & actions & the way I run…
An endless path of frustration

Taking a chance to start new
To face the facts & face my truths
Courage to be who I need to be
Courage to see what I once couldn’t see
Belief in what was, what is
And what is yet to be is dictated by my own atrocity…

A failed expectation…
A dormant dream…
Questioning motives
Creating new explanations
For who I am & what I do
Taking responsibility of me… so I can be free

~Jane Fox © helpless

.never had i

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Never had I, a mother to guide me
Never had I, a father to teach me
Never had I, the support to grow

Alone in a battle
Fighting one’s own…
Confused at the findings
Discovering I have no home

Courage to build
What I can with what I have
But a scared little heart
Was driving me mad

An optimist mind
In this dark twisted place…
A golden rose
Upon the warm mantle place

I’m waiting for the moment
For the peace to find my soul…
A child forced to grow up
A twisted journey she travelled alone…

She was so young
When all was stripped
But she’s chosen to forgive
All they did and did not do
She’s ready to invest in something bright…
In something brand new. -Jane Fox

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