.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

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.paint your picture

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Picture this…..

You’re here because of where you’ve been.
You’ve been where you had to be to get you where you are.
You don’t like where you are so you continue to move.
You move forward to continue your path.
And down the road you’ll get to where you’ll get because of where you are now.
The path is just as important as the destination so keep your head up and absorb all around you. Appreciate each moment, no matter the emotion it invokes.

Choose wisely as you take your next leap of faith.

You’ll keep getting the same results if you keep making the same choices.
You want something different? You want more?
It’s all up to you in where you go from here.
Make it count. Make it great. Picture your ending and jump with enthusiasm.

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.i’ve learned how to forgive

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I had a personal achievement a few weeks back. One that I had been working on/through for months, if not years. I understood the feeling but I couldn’t grasp the concept nor put it to words….. Until last week that is… A dear friend of mine asked me to elaborate on the subject… So here goes.

My life, like most anyone’s life, has been full of ups and downs. Some of my downs have been a lot deeper than most, but I always found my way out and back up to where I needed to be. Surviving conflict though, whether within yourself or with someone else is not the same as finding peace within it, OR the same as healing… I don’t like to survive life… As one said before “We all die at one point anyway, so what’s the big deal about being a survivor?” Well, that question resonated with me. And I started looking for the answer. Because surviving isn’t peaceful, it isn’t happy, it isn’t inspirational and it isn’t a mindset to be grateful in either. You can’t grow from survival, you can’t learn from survival, you just survive. So once you have survived whatever it is that you have gone through you need to forgive. Ah, yes, forgive. Such an easy task, right? I’m sure you sense my sarcastic undertone…  But in all seriousness, forgiveness is truly the key to personal growth and ultimately inner peace.

Chew on that for a minute……

Now, forgiving someone (including yourself) isn’t a one and done kind of thing. You can’t force it. You can’t fake it. And you definitely can’t go without it. The question now is how to forgive. And here is where my epiphany came to play.

You can’t bundle forgiveness.
You have to compartmentalize it. You have to choose forgiveness every day. Sometimes multiple times in one day. This goes for self forgiveness as well as for others. Allow yourself time and space to heal by accepting, understanding and letting go of the pain for individual hurts. Don’t bundle them up into one blanket of forgiveness. It doesn’t work that way. You’ll continue to fall back into the same dance over and over if you do. Take the time to address each hurt…. And learn to forgive them on their own

Does that resonate with you? It does with me. I realized I can’t just forgive someone for everything they did just because I want to let it all go. I have to go through the list and understand why I forgive each thing that happened or that transpired individually because they all had lasting effects that trickled their way into my NOW. Thus allowing me to let go of the pains that relate and are attached to those memories or hurts. It takes time, effort, patience and for me, a lot of tears…. But as I work my way through my forgiveness I feel an enormous amount of peace. I feel confident in my decision and confident in my emotion that now correlates to that memory/event of forgiveness.

When you see me smiling…. I am truly smiling, it is not a vail or a mask like it used to be. With patience, perseverance and a passionate desire for wellbeing and personal growth I have been able to over come what I never thought I would.

Forgive

.am i a paradox?

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I love everyone and everything yet nothing and no one. I love adventure and new challenges but I fear the unknown and I’m hesitant with change. I am focused yet scatter brained. I am predictable in my unpredictability….

I am devoted yet detached. I am tainted yet passionate. I love meeting and being around new people but I love being alone more. I trust no one yet somehow always get hurt for trusting someone in one way or another.

I am optimistic and light spirited but melancholy and negative. I believe in universal connections and beauty beyond recognition in the power and love between the gods and life as we know it, yet I often question the significance or truth behind any and all of it….

I’m happy and I’m sad. I’m ready and I’m not. I crave more, and nothing all at the same time. I seem to know the answers but can’t apply them to my life…. So where do I stand? Where do you stand? Who are we and are we defined by our fears and desires? Are we who we have been or who we will be? Or are we what we are at this very moment? Or are we just dust in the wind?

My favorite song from my childhood pushed me to question everything….

“I close my eyes
Only for a moment, then the moment’s gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind”

https://www.youtube.com/dustinthewind

Maybe we are just dust in the wind, living in this moment only to realize that the moment will only go as far as we want it to go. It will only be what we want it to be – but it takes energy, focus and a desire to make it so……. push forward is what I say to myself, take control and push forward. If we really are dust in the wind, then let us be magnificent pieces of dust that leaves a trail of love where ever it goes.

Namaste!

~Sincerely, a curious, scared, and eager spec of dust

.a not so pleasant reflection

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What is it that makes us create this ideal person in our minds? This person who should never fail, who should never fall or get upset? Why do we dwell on our shortcomings as if this person is expected to be golden?

Why can’t we just accept ourselves as is? And not in an “I’m okay with mediocrity and never going to grow” kind of way, but in a way that we accept ourselves as human beings with flaws. One that is inevitably going to make mistakes, and sometimes repeat them, one who is going to look stupid at times, step up to the plate when they are feeling frustrated and just be who they are?

So what I get upset sometimes, and say things I shouldn’t…. I was expressing what I felt at that moment. Or something silly got me excited so I squealed like a child… So what if I fall madly in love and don’t pay attention to the reality around me for a while… So fucking what?

People will always judge us, that is the most predictable part of the story, but shouldn’t we be free from judgment in even one element of our lives? In self love? Now, I am regretful of several things in my life, and at any given time, if the opportunity was present, I would go back and ask for a redo…. but that is because I have gone through the experiences of both the decisions and the outcomes.

At the time, I was just living.

And a lot of my bad choices are only bad because they didn’t get me where I would like to be now or they hurt someone… but if they had gotten me where I wanted and perhaps not hurt anyone along the way, would they have really been bad at all?

I don’t label myself a failure, but I have failed a lot. Because my expectations for myself are higher than for anyone else. I hold myself to this standard of perfection even though I am so far from my ideal self that, on occasion, I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. At the same time, I know that I am a very strong person, I am someone that I would like to be friends with…. I am a survivor. I am an inventor, I am an artist and lover and inspirer….. But to who?

I don’t inspire myself, so here I am again, seeing the good things about me only through someone else’s eyes. And the bad stands out like a peacock in a chicken coop. I’ve hurt someone that I love because I can’t seem to keep my rose colored glasses on for more than few moments at a time. I hold it all in until it all bursts out…. then…. pow. I’m back to square one.

Now I’m sick to my stomach in disgrace with my lack of tact and empathy because I spewed out all those nasty negatives that have been bundled up inside…. rather than work through them and find a solution… I just spewed it all out. I regret it, I shouldn’t have done it, but now what? How do I erase what I’ve said and how I have painted myself to be, both to this person and myself?

I want to apologize and wipe it away just suck up the emotions, whatever they were, and say they are gone… but are they? Will it fix anything? Or am I doomed to repeat my mistake once again…. After I hide it for a while as I attempt to live up to my perfect idea of me, will it creep back out of me? Will I ever “grow up”?

Maybe I should embrace those crazy emotions and say this is part of me… It is a part of me that is evolving still and hopefully will adapt to a more understanding demeanor in time. But alas, it is part of this big ball of good and bad I call myself. And like it or leave it, who I am is all I truly have in this world. I don’t control things, or people, or circumstances, but I have me, the good, the bad and the ugly until my time here is done…..

I still haven’t come to any fantastic conclusions or had an amen moment when I sit and try to figure this out, but I have realized that my choices now, dictate my future no matter how small. Words can’t be erased once said, feelings can’t be un-hurt, expectations can’t always be met, but with each stride I take, I grow a little more… and maybe one day that lady on the other side of the mirror will sincerely smile back. Maybe then, I will be able to be me without so much discontent. Maybe then, I will truly be free.

If you think of anything sooner than I do please let me know…. I forgot to mention that I am not very good with this thing called patience either….. Namaste!

.little girl in a big world

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I often catch myself shrinking in my place. Absorbing all the organized chaos that the universe throws at me.

It fascinates me how our minds are so programmed by repetition that we can get through most of our days on auto pilot and not be cognitive of our surroundings…. We end our days with a mush of things done.

Step outside of that zone and focus on just how many things we program ourselves to do. Our morning rituals, daily commute, our mundane jobs, our venting sessions with cohorts, the commute home and on and on….

Once I step back and I take off my blinders I see just how little I am in this big world and I see just how important each little thing that I do is. Not only to me and my existence but to yours as well. Because we are all connected.
If I stop my routine and go off the wire, it could affect you and your routine too….

Just think about it…..

I beg for more time. I pray and hope and drive myself up the wall trying rush through things in order to open up more free time to enjoy life.  But all I am really doing is throwing away the time I’ve been given assuming tomorrow will come…
My question is how to find balance and live in this very moment…
How do we stop rushing the clock?
How do we make ourselves live for the moment we exist in? Together?

.in my mind

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Sometimes I forget that my world is my own. I forget that others, no matter how many times or different ways I explain it can’t see or understand what my mind sees or feels.

It’s a reality I have to accept because my reality is only my own. My memories, emotions and understandings all come from my own life experiences that are then veiled in my personality and character. How could anyone else possibly see things the way I do?

The best I can do is be as honest and open as possible. To be raw and real. And most importantly be understanding and conscientious of this reality.
It’s also a truth that I have to realize and accept as I try to understand another person’s reality. No matter how many times they explain it or how many different ways they paint their picture it is their reality. And so, just as I yearn to have my reality accepted I need to embrace theirs.
A lesson learned through trial and error and one that I continue to work on daily.

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