Love, I have found you. You are everything I thought you could never be. You are everything I never thought I would have. Love, dance with me. Live in color and grow like the beautiful flowers that surround us; against all odds I found you. All will be right, dancing like water with the light. You are all I ever dreamed you to be.
You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am.
I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from.
Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before.
The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….
You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive?
You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?
Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all.
This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace.
Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice.
That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are.
Namaste
An ode to the little boy who changed my life, my little chapulin.
Reasons for your smile
Sunday sun came without warning
I didn’t know just what to do…
When I think of all the places
And spaces when time stood still
All of the faces that I thought I knew…
And then I had you.
All of the magic that I held in my hands
Beauty in its rarest form
It all came true when I had you…
Who could know the reason for your smile
All of the wonders in your mind
Your brightly colored reasons
Surpassing expectations held in time…
Behind your eyes, my mind wandered
Capturing the pictures, living through you
No reason for sadness, no reason for blue
No reasons to fear the dreams in your mind
The keys to this world, you’re destined to find
You sail to the sky, with your head held high
Little boy, divine
How you always shine…
So young and innocent
So beautiful, your mind…
So pure, your wise old heart…
Strong like an ox, smart like an owl, boy you know it all
Teach me how to see like you,
Teach me how to play…
In my heart, is your home, and that is where you’ll stay
I love going through my journals, and the endless piles of tattered notebooks that fill my heart with nostalgia, love, pain and sometimes with peace…. An array of emotions usually come over as I live out the memories in my mind that inspired the words and scribbles. Sometimes it’s a smile or a tear, sometimes it’s gut wrenching sadness, and sometimes it’s bliss…. But every time I open those pages I seem to grow a little more, heal a little deeper, and love that much harder. It’s a process, but one that I thoroughly enjoy.
Here’s one I found from a time when the light at the end of my tunnel was dim. A time when I felt that my optimism had dissolved and all that was left was a memory of who I used to be. ‘She is not me’ brings a heavy sadness, as you can see through her eyes and you see that she has become someone she doesn’t recognize anymore…. and it brings her enough pain to change.
Hopefully, at one point, these words are going to be lyrics rather than just poetry… I have a melody in my mind that the piano plays slowly…
.She is not me
It’s not simple to say
that most days I don’t recognize who I am
With these clothes
and these words
they all seem so simple,
but open the door,
I’ll put it all on the table…
I’ve lost the better half of me
She’s gone to a place that I can no longer see….
Wandering recklessly
She…..
She is not me
Smiles and laughing
the one with the quick wit
She’s not the one who you’d think
is endlessly crying…. inside
is endlessly dying
Walls and boundaries were set
the girl in the mirror….
she doesn’t recognize me
She stares right back….
Her eyes look so dim
why can’t she see through me?
to the one I am within….
She used to be so bright, she used to see so clear
but all I see staring is someone who is drowning in fear
I’ve lost the better half of me
She’s gone to a place that I can no longer see….
Wandering recklessly
She….
She is not me
Your mouth is moving
But your eyes say so much more
I’m hearing words
But they fall right to the floor
It doesn’t take much to see through your facade
Your smile is sweet
But your touch feels odd
I pray that you don’t feel the need
To mask your insecurities from the one that you see
I’m standing here with my guard down
Inviting you to stay and lay…
Everything out
Just open up
And be true To you
Baby, let’s play the blues
Of our stories and fears
Our failures and tears
It’s okay to be scared
But don’t you even dare…
To think that I will judge
Or be harsh or unfair
Let me in baby
Let me see who you are
Where you’ve been is part of you
A part that I want to share
Let’s sing the blues, baby
Just you and me
Let’s sing the blues, baby
Let’s set ourselves free
the danger of retaliation
is the continuation of violence
the inevitable outcome of a determined retribution
will end unpredictably…
karma wont stay away very long…
she will unfold an indiscernible curve ball
that will knock you off your feet
and bring an end to it all
hold tight to the truths that make you real
change the cycle now, that pushes you like a raging tide
from the instincts that are buried deep down inside
with hope for more chances to undo what has already been done
an endless battle that can’t seem to be won
An ocean of sadness that swallowed her whole.
Questioning her sanity, she began to fall… Deeper into the rushing waves of sheer madness and pain.
Always, she wondered… If it would be the same. She didn’t know just what to do… So she clenched onto her dreams, wishing that they’d all come true.
She left a trail of memories with every tear that stained her face.
She left behind her sadness…
Moving forward in all her tainted grace.
