.underneath

Standard

You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

Advertisements

.this time

Standard

The days where I feel a slight spunk in my step and a happy go lucky attitude slowly taking over my pessimistic demeanor seem to stand out amongst the others. Its the days where I wake up rested and choose to make anything that comes my way work for the better. Its the days that I reach out to friends I haven’t talked to in a while to remind them that I love them. Its the days where the lack of money in my billfold doesn’t affect my mood. Its the days where I laugh at silly jokes and find myself smiling at the fond memories that play like a never ending record in my mind. Its days like that that give me hope for more.
Days like that don’t come as often as I would like. But they do come.
I realize, though, that most of this mad journey we are on is about those in-betweens.  Most of my bad days come from thinking about all the other bad days piling up…. So, I’ve chosen to focus on the good and make each moment a conscious choice to accept peace on every level. To be confident in my peace and to believe that it is my reality.

I find myself in a constant battle of holding onto what I have had and to opening my grasp to what is yet to come. Whether good or bad, everything runs its course and whether or not we like it, most things come to an end. I’ve made it my goal to really respect and cherish both ends of that; the beginnings and the ends. It takes a strong will to choose to be happy in the midst of the happenings in this world. Gloom and despair surround us, but so does joy and optimism. I’ve learned that there is always more than one perspective. And that there is always hope for inner and outter peace.

I am painting my life with each thought, choice, and action I make. My current is just as important as my past and my future. Each day has its own issues, each will bring its own lesson. And each day I will have the choice to choose how I view it, how I live it and what I learn from it. Namaste

image

.I am

Standard

I am a woman. I am a dreamer and a lover. I am a lot of things… Good and bad. But I am not what you think I am. Or who you think I am. Half the time I’m not even who I THINK that I am. But I am me….

Your perception of me…. What is it?
I know it’s different than the next person in line. I know it’s different than the people who came before you and different from the people who will come after you. So who’s definition of me is accurate?

I’ve been a lot of things to a lot of people. I’ve done a lot of things for a lot of people. And I’ve NOT done a lot of things for a lot people…. Am I what I have done for you or not done for you?

I’ve given my time, love and energy to people throughout the years… And I’ve also taken back my time, energy and love when it was misused or abused… Am I what I have given or taken from you?

I’ve seen myself through the eyes of the judgemental, shallow, unethical, and emotionally abusive people… Am I who they say I am? Am I who they see me to be?

I’ve seen myself through the eyes of people who look up to me and into me for inspiration and guidance. Am I who they say I am? Am I who they see me to be?

Am I all of those things wrapped into one person? Is that ME?

It can’t be…. That is not me. I am not them or their perception of me. I’m not their IDEA of me. I’m not their definition of me. Even though I’ve carried those titles… I’ve worn those hats. I’ve identified myself with them at times… But that is not me. I am not in this world to wear the uniform of whoever you need me to be in your life… And when your need is fulfilled the uniform gets stripped of me.

I am just me…. Who am I? I don’t know who I am all of the time because I’ve played dress up for so long… Sometimes the masks I wear leave an indentation on my identity.

I know what I love. I know who I love. I know what makes me happy. I know what makes me sad. I know what makes angry and excited…. But still, those things don’t define me…. I’m satisfied with the acceptance of knowing that I might not ever really know who I am… Because I am always changing with time, learned knowledge and circumstantial surroundings…. I know who I am not. And what I am not. And that’s enough for me…

Ask yourself…. Who are you? And who are you not?

.she is not me

Standard

I love going through my journals, and the endless piles of tattered notebooks that fill my heart with nostalgia, love, pain and sometimes with peace…. An array of emotions usually come over as I live out the memories in my mind that inspired the words and scribbles. Sometimes it’s a smile or a tear, sometimes it’s gut wrenching sadness, and sometimes it’s bliss…. But every time I open those pages I seem to grow a little more, heal a little deeper, and love that much harder. It’s a process, but one that I thoroughly enjoy.

Here’s one I found from a time when the light at the end of my tunnel was dim. A time when I felt that my optimism had dissolved and all that was left was a memory of who I used to be.  ‘She is not me’ brings a heavy sadness, as you can see through her eyes and you see that she has become someone she doesn’t recognize anymore…. and it brings her enough pain to change.

Hopefully, at one point, these words are going to be lyrics rather than just poetry… I have a melody in my mind that the piano plays slowly…

.She is not me

It’s not simple to say
that most days I don’t recognize who I am
With these clothes
and these words
they all seem so simple,
but open the door,
I’ll put it all on the table…

I’ve lost the better half of me
She’s gone to a place that I can no longer see….
Wandering recklessly
She…..
She is not me

Smiles and laughing
the one with the quick wit
She’s not the one who you’d think
is endlessly crying…. inside
is endlessly dying

Walls and boundaries were set
the girl in the mirror….
she doesn’t recognize me

She stares right back….
Her eyes look so dim
why can’t she see through me?
to the one I am within….
She used to be so bright, she used to see so clear
but all I see staring is someone who is drowning in fear

I’ve lost the better half of me
She’s gone to a place that I can no longer see….
Wandering recklessly
She….
She is not me

crying

.on father’s day

Standard

To a father who….
Never gives his children a reason to be scared
And always teaches them to be prepared
A father who….
Learned to love unconditionally
Who gathered lessons as he walked through life
Who never gave up no matter how hard the fight

A father who inspires me
One who all should try to be…
A friend, a brother, a father and a lover
He never seems to fail….

To a father who is his child’s best friend
A father who will be there until the end
The hero in so many eyes
One who often wears the disguise
Of the every day man who he is truly not

A man that can be counted on
One who is always strong
The one who always second guesses himself
And doesn’t see what the rest of us do
Is a father to not just his own but to you too

Happy father’s day to the modern day Superman! Happy father’s day darling, I love you!

image

.only yesterday

Standard

It was only yesterday
That today was just a dream
Plots sketched out in my journal
It was all a scheme…

How today seemed so lovely
Another chance to get it right
But now today seems to be
Another yesterday come night…

Nothing achieved
My plans didn’t succeed
I had the time I wished…
But it all went down the drain

Because today, like yesterday…
I was planning for the next
Missing opportunities…
Scheming out my day…
Making sure it won’t go wrong…
That it will be THE day

My dreams of tomorrow never seem to fade
But as always…
My regrets of yesterday come in every single shade…

Even though tomorrow will soon be in the past…
I hope I find a way to really make it last…
Because the love I have for tomorrow
Is one I’ll never know
Unless I meet the day, greet her well
And simply make her home…

Home for my soul
For the hours that I’m blessed
A chance to make up for yesterday,
A chance to set it right…
To journal all my doings
In a brighter, bolder light

.struggles

Standard

image

When I see people struggling through their battles I can’t contain my empathy well. I want to scoop them up and wash away their worries.
I want to love and make those that I love feel loved and respected and cherished. I want them to know that although I can’t wash away their stresses that they can bet their behind that I’ll stand next to them and find a way to get them through. I’ll stand behind them to catch them when they fall. I’ll stand in front of them to take the brunt of the next hit. I’ll be on the ground picking up their broken pieces and the first one to start mending those broken pieces into something beautiful again.  I want them to know that they can trust me. That they can lean on me. And that they can call me home.
Everyone needs a home. And sometimes a home is within someone else, not a physical structure.

I have faith and hope in tomorrow. All I long for is to help others find that light too. Mistakes of the past and short comings are lessons. They don’t label us. Tomorrow is always new day.

-Stand up

My darling your eyes say it all
The world you built beginning to fall
The hope you had is no longer
found in the near tomorrow…
And slowly your smile begins to fade
Your chest rises and falls
Your path is one you’ve made
And so you blame yourself…

But you don’t see what I can see
The beauty within your tears
Full of love and full of strength
Every memory and regret now slides down your cheek

You are not a failure
Your life has just begun
With everyday a new chance
A lifetime of memories in a single glance.
You try to forget, but forget them not!
My Love, find strength in hope
And never lose sight
Of the beautiful fire you carry inside

Through thick and thin
You’ve broken through
Nothing will ever stop you

Shine bright, my star
You are not alone
Shine bright, my moon
You are the writer, it’s time to create your own tune
-Jane Fox ©