.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

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.time and change

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Right when I thought I knew who I was…. Boom. I realize that just today I am different than yesterday.

Its crazy how quickly we can morph into something we never thought we would. Not necessarily because we are opposed to it, but because it was never something we thought of to begin with.

Growth and change are something we were born to do. To expand our knowledge and spirituality. Our oneness with everyone and everything. I believe we had knowledge and acceptance of it when we were children but society changes the way we think and for one reason or another we digress and have to start over as adults.
I find it fascinating and beautiful really. How every moment is a chance to start over. To wipe the slate clean. To experience new ways of thinking and accepting new truths as your own.

People often ask me what I believe in because that’s small talk nowadays I suppose…. And they usually don’t like my answer. My answer is always the same, though. I don’t know what I believe completely, because I learn more every day, but I do know what I don’t believe and that brings me peace. Most people don’t know how to respond to that because they are expecting me to answer the same way they do… With this cement answer stating that I know this certain truth and nothing can shake my faith. Truth is, I have that faith but it is a faith in the unknown. The acceptance in knowing that I know nothing compared to what’s really out there and that my goal is to learn all that I possibly can.

I know who I am not. I know exactly the kind of person I will never be. But I am open to change and expansion and growth on so many levels. Beyond my own person journey I also get to enjoy and benefit from watching the people I love experience the same thing.

I’ve thought that I knew people to a T….

And then the beautiful part comes in and they find a new path, an opportunity for change and growth and they begin to wander down the road of uncertainty with a heart full of hope and openness. Granted, there have been times when I didn’t want certain people to change, but their change encouraged my own. And regardless of my liking, it is part of who we are as humans. And so I remind myself of how important it is to be supportive and encouraging through those amazing transitions.
It is a blessing to be able to be there and to be part of it.

Bottom line is. Be aware of your growth. And the growth of the people surrounding you. Don’t hold back or fear the unknown. Its a beautiful, natural progression that is necessary for more reasons than we can understand.
Namaste
-Jane Fox

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.why are you waiting?

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What makes the world so bright
To the small child inside us all?
The fear and stress we have
Is from being here….
But wanting to be there…
It comes from knowledge, faith and hope
Of a brighter beautiful way…
One that we pray for each and every day

Behind your eyes are answers to it all
But we choose to hide instead of
standing tall…
We choose to hope and then say;
it was never meant to be…
But the truth, you see
Is that YOU never made it be…

Step outside of the walls that contain…
Take a leap of faith
Take what you have and use it
Mold it into new
Be a better, brighter you.

It’s not what you have
It’s what you know…
And if you stop hoping
And start doing…
You will see you’re not alone.

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.knowing when to stop

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love is a drug that you can’t dabble in. it’s highly addictive. and often destructive to the creature who carries it.

As a highly sensitive person I’ve experienced great emotional connections that at the time were explosive inside creating a cosmic balance that seemed un-earthly. I’m a gentle soul and often quiet, also highly expressive, emotional and passionate, so there is often a tremendous spark, if not a bonfire, of attraction and energy between me and the one I love. It becomes an addiction that I can’t control despite the risk of losing myself to whom ever I love.

Highly sensitive people, I’ve noticed are natural nurtures with a strong, driving desire to foster others’ personal growth. We are the world’s counsellors, finding personal fulfilment in helping and encouraging other people. They can often sense another person’s deeper feelings, seeing through the façade that other people wear and directly to the emotions buried down deep. Knowing that these deep-rooted feelings and beliefs are painful, we want and tend to respond compassionately to try to help that person grow. It’s an added thrill to see the people we reach thrive because we’ve been able to touch and recognize a soul that might not have been if it weren’t for our empathy and drive.

I see nothing wrong in this, until you make it a perpetual routine. Because you lose focus on yourself. You create a cycle where it’s all you do and you lose who YOU are. I know I’ve lost who I am. And I’m the only one to blame.

It wasn’t until I realized that I need to find balance between tending to other’s and tending to myself that I started to pull back and work on myself and my desires to grow internally. It seems like a healthy choice, but when you have been one way for so long, the people around you fight the change. The people you love think it’s their fault and they get hurt. The man I love is a highly sensitive person, just as I am. Both wanting to help and build each other up, we thrive on seeing the other succeed in personal and spiritual growth…. We lost ourselves in those desires. We made mistakes, some unknowingly, and some intentionally… it took months of trying to heal the wounds – tending to each other’s needs in order to heal each other… but that was the problem in its self. We counted on each other to fix the other.

Clearly, it was not healthy. But tell that to my heart. She longs for more – for fifth and sixth chances at this highly passionate and explosive love. She fights on a daily basis with logic, past mistakes, and learned knowledge…. She self imploded on a daily basis. So then I ask myself, how can it hurt so badly? Why would doing something right be so devastating to us both? WHY did we ruin something so amazing?

The questions keep coming, the answers far from surfacing….
How do you know when enough is enough? How do you push yourself to let go? How do you know when its time to try again?
Love is a beautiful thing. But if it’s real enough, passionate enough, strong enough… It will consume you and cause you to question everything.

And it hurts.

.the thin line

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How can you hate someone you love so much?
Can that line be crossed?
I’ve always believed that hate is the absence of love, like darkness the absence of light…
So tell me, if the love you have for someone turns into hate does that mean you love them less than before?
You allowed hate to seep in and fill the empty spaces?
Or can we hate the one we love because we love them so much?

The heart is a scary thing that leads us to scary places. The mind tries to stop it by making it second guess. So the battle begins and the winner predicts the rest.
Do you follow your heart and risk it all even when you know that it won’t last?
To a place where pain is the ultimate ending…

Or do you listen to that little voice that tells you to keep your feet planted firmly and let that hate seep in? Does it mean you love less? Does it truly mean you hate?
Or is it just the way we learn to walk away? Needing someone to blame, convincing ourselves it wasn’t real.
That thin line between love and hate isn’t always straight. It comes and goes, it swivels and swirls, and it knocks you off your feet.
Make your choice, find peace with it, learn to jump rope or just let yourself give in. But either way your choices are yours. Make yourself vulnerable or build up your stony walls.
But when you do, do it with all you have and give it all of you.

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.losing control

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My life, not so different from your own comes with happiness, sadness, love and loss… I’ve given and taken. I’ve forgiven and begged for forgiveness my self. But somehow I can’t seem to forget. The pain weighs heavy on my heart. A journey through love and anguish that never seems to end. My heart is usually worn on my sleeve and my emotions overwhelming the people they encompass. After handing my heart to the one I thought would protect it I was left alone with my heart in pieces on the ground…. It torments me and creates an undoubtedly gloomy cloud that hovers over my soul. How can I trust anyone when I’ve lost my best friend? How can I open my heart when it’s in so many pieces….

rather than bottle it up… I’ll write it down.

Sinking ship

The underside of the lightly scented air
Is heavy with gloom and despair
Creeping in on all who seek
Something better than what you would normally think
Ravaging through the journey unknown

Like a sea of rock, pebble and stone
Surrounded by others but always alone
Broken down children who were forced to be grown
A magnitude of facets lighting up the dark sky

Giving hope to all idiots who continue to try
To make sense of this life and the things that come with
The boat is sinking and we need to jump ship
Before we are pulled down to a bottomless pit

What will we have left when there is nothing left to give?
It’s time to make big choices in the ways that we love and live. – Jane Fox ©