.Project You

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You…. Wake up every day. Eyes open, chest rising and falling. The thoughts, plans, lists and responsibilities start running through your mind. Your body resists the urge to move, stretch, get out bed. The lights come on, your eyes squint, your breathing patterns get shorter and you start your day. No matter what you do today, you are doing it. The hours pass, the stress levels rise and fall. Emotions come in waves throughout the day. Laughter, joy, calmness, annoyance, hunger, numbness, anger, stress, enjoyment, pride, success, grief, pain, sleepiness. It all affects your mind, your plans, your body. Night falls, your body rests in its place. Your breathing deepens, your day, events, ups and downs, they run through your mind and you try to clear your thoughts. Lights off, phones down, your eyes shut and your thoughts get muted by your desire to rest, you and take a break only to wake up tomorrow to do the same thing.
What is this? What the hell are we doing? Auto pilot is a thing. And this ride called life that I have been a passenger on for 33 years is annoying. The fleeting moments of happiness that triumphed through the dark were moments that I still cling to because the majority of my life has been veiled in pain from these emotions that plague me. I had moments where I took the wheel as much as possible and made “big” changes in my so called daily life. That’s great and all, but where did it get me? To a new city, with a new job, new friends, new experiences, yay me, but still in this body – still breathing, moving, resting, feeling, living……. Without my consent. And I just have to deal with it. What the hell are we really doing here?

Is it a game? Is it for entertainment? Is it a test? We have all heard of dozens of theories, religious insights, beliefs, hopes, patters, scientific evolution to try to explain our significance, but just as I prefer dark chocolate over milk chocolate and I think that we should all help our fellow humans no matter who they are or where we are in life, our ideas of why we are here and the direction of our moral compasses are just that, ideas…. Nothing more. They are and were created by the minds we can’t control or understand anyway. So, how do we accept these ideas as steadfast truths? Does anyone really believe any of it anyway? Isn’t everything relative? Or do they just hold onto the thought or belief of it as a form of solace and security to get through this strange stage of life as we know it?

Non conformance to the belief system our society holds firm to doesn’t make us unique or wiser than the average bear…. But I choose to keep my eyes open and my mind flexible to different concepts, ideas and visions of what life is all about. At the same time, as much as I would like to figure it all out – I would also like to enjoy it – while I am here – because I don’t really have a choice or a say in where I am going after this or what happen to me later today…. All I have is this moment, and this moment is mine, and I will embrace it as is and will enjoy it as much as humanly possible.

 

.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

.the beat

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A sweet supple sound that slowly penetrates my soul.

The hum of the bass behind the melody

Slowly stirring up a warmth I once forgot existed

Opening my eyes and seeing the truth

Feeling the beat

Swaying my hips and letting my eyes close once again…

Lost in my mind with the lyrics that preach my soul

Forever drifting to a place that only I can go

One that holds secrets you will never know

The paths I’ve been on, the ones I long for

Every shade of every emotion

Every color of solitude

Slowly repeating itself to the beat I once called home

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.your sigh

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Here in this space
Where no time exists
Our bodies combined
Tightly we twist

Your chest rising and falling
As mine leads the way
Your brow dripping sweat
While your eyes from mine never stray

I’ve tasted nothing sweeter
Than my name as you sigh it between my lips
Your hands guiding the dance as you gently caress my hips

And so each moment
That your body clings to mine
Is another reason
To continue this passionate rhyme
©janefox

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.that strong little girl

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There she sat with her mind in the sky
When she looked down the world would pass her by
But when she looked up she always seemed to stumble and fall
No matter how hard or how many times she fell down… That little girl would always get back up a tad bit stronger than before.
Her heart broken often
Her dreams, clothed in disdain
But in her soul she felt the pull
To try and try again
No matter the pain
No matter the fear
That little girl wiped away her tears

And as she picked up the pieces of that shattered little life…. She molded something beautiful that filled her heart with drive.
No fear or fall back
No hate or disdain
Will ever come between that girl and the happiness she is determined to find again.

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.no more

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In my mind a thutter tore
With wind in hand she held galore
My tormented mind now questioning why
My rattled heart knows not I;
Pressing against my heavy thumping chest
The cool wind shattered any tangled thoughts that could ever exist
Dark and heavy she often swings
But cold and clear she makes her way in
Questioning how or why it is I;
The heavens brushing up against my naked thigh.
A gentle touch, she embraces my mind
A reckless craving that so passionately protrudes
Fiery adoration from her dark mysterious eyes…. She intrudes
Warm and soft her scent will linger
The trail from her lips left me craving for more;
This muse, this divine, she is all I adore.
As quick as she came is as quick as she left.
Wilted and mourning, my heart left undone
She is gone. No more will my passion be cured….
Her weightless wings and the breeze she brought with;
All have left… She disappeared into the mist
-Jane Fox ©

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