.Project You

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You…. Wake up every day. Eyes open, chest rising and falling. The thoughts, plans, lists and responsibilities start running through your mind. Your body resists the urge to move, stretch, get out bed. The lights come on, your eyes squint, your breathing patterns get shorter and you start your day. No matter what you do today, you are doing it. The hours pass, the stress levels rise and fall. Emotions come in waves throughout the day. Laughter, joy, calmness, annoyance, hunger, numbness, anger, stress, enjoyment, pride, success, grief, pain, sleepiness. It all affects your mind, your plans, your body. Night falls, your body rests in its place. Your breathing deepens, your day, events, ups and downs, they run through your mind and you try to clear your thoughts. Lights off, phones down, your eyes shut and your thoughts get muted by your desire to rest, you and take a break only to wake up tomorrow to do the same thing.
What is this? What the hell are we doing? Auto pilot is a thing. And this ride called life that I have been a passenger on for 33 years is annoying. The fleeting moments of happiness that triumphed through the dark were moments that I still cling to because the majority of my life has been veiled in pain from these emotions that plague me. I had moments where I took the wheel as much as possible and made “big” changes in my so called daily life. That’s great and all, but where did it get me? To a new city, with a new job, new friends, new experiences, yay me, but still in this body – still breathing, moving, resting, feeling, living……. Without my consent. And I just have to deal with it. What the hell are we really doing here?

Is it a game? Is it for entertainment? Is it a test? We have all heard of dozens of theories, religious insights, beliefs, hopes, patters, scientific evolution to try to explain our significance, but just as I prefer dark chocolate over milk chocolate and I think that we should all help our fellow humans no matter who they are or where we are in life, our ideas of why we are here and the direction of our moral compasses are just that, ideas…. Nothing more. They are and were created by the minds we can’t control or understand anyway. So, how do we accept these ideas as steadfast truths? Does anyone really believe any of it anyway? Isn’t everything relative? Or do they just hold onto the thought or belief of it as a form of solace and security to get through this strange stage of life as we know it?

Non conformance to the belief system our society holds firm to doesn’t make us unique or wiser than the average bear…. But I choose to keep my eyes open and my mind flexible to different concepts, ideas and visions of what life is all about. At the same time, as much as I would like to figure it all out – I would also like to enjoy it – while I am here – because I don’t really have a choice or a say in where I am going after this or what happen to me later today…. All I have is this moment, and this moment is mine, and I will embrace it as is and will enjoy it as much as humanly possible.

 

.moments

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Most of the time I do my best at living in the moment. Embracing what is no matter what it took to get here. My fears of collapse cause me to clench onto all that I know and have in hopes of not letting my fleeting moments of happiness continue to…. fleet.

Life doesn’t make sense in the moment, and when it does, it only makes sense if things feel like they are lining up the way you had hoped. When things are hard, or things are troubled, we question everything…. Absolutely everything.

As of late, I’ve been able to step outside of my reality even during the good times and evaluate the outcome of my current…. I see the end picture but the path to get there is still blurry. Am I doing things right?

How can one be happy and sad at the same time? How can I  be scared and confident all at once?

Life makes no sense and so much sense all at the same time. Life. Moments. Peace. Turmoil. Happiness. Fear. Pain. Joy. Inspiration…. circling through my mind. Enveloping my heart. Cycling through my now.

But why? Where do I go from here?

.Love

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Love, I have found you. You are everything I thought you could never be. You are everything I never thought I would have. Love, dance with me. Live in color and grow like the beautiful flowers that surround us; against all odds I found you. All will be right, dancing like water with the light. You are all I ever dreamed you to be.

.Not a day less

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From ever to ever leads to forever
Not a day less will do
We spend so much time being there for others
But I will not leave my forever alone
I have finally found my forever home…

From you, I have found that the uncertainties in my life
were only moments in time…
Like a handless clock with numbers,
time is found only in my mind
But forever seems to be so real when it’s with you

My forever exists only between us two
and even though forever is from ever to ever
Not a day less, from you, will do.

For me, you are the one
Truth in love is priceless
But true love always pays a price
Yet, nothing will keep me from loving you

You are the rest, the best and the untold stories of my life
With you I have less time and more forever
Within you I can finally rest.

True love is give and take
It is sacrifice
But there is nothing that can keep me from loving you
Not rain, storm, fire or ice
Within you I have found my forever…
Never again will I be alone
Because within you I have found my forever home.

 

.when you never really had a mother 

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Mother’s Day….. a day to celebrate the beauty of a mother and her undying love for her child or children. But what if you are a motherless child who never knew the love that a mother so instinctually gives her child? It’s not much of a celebration after all…. Not for me

As a motherless child I often reflect on the memories of myself and my mother that I never got to make; The endless chatter, the moments of comfort and safety. The expectations of these things drew out images in my mind… images and moments that I could only experience in my dreams. 

Often times I envy the mother/daughter duos who seem to be the best of friends. And the families that gather together to shower the queen with the love and support she always selflessly showers them in. 

It’s always a process of sadness as I sit alone, then anger because of the “why couldn’t she be? And why not me? ” that envelope my mind. Lastly, comes the acceptance, the grieving and the letting go of all the things I had wished for but never received. 

She could have been a lot of things. She chose not to be.We could have been a lot of things. But she chose not to be… with me. She chose to deprive me of those moments, of those emotions and memories in time. She claimed that she loves me. But showed something oh so different. Her twisted vision of love will never match with mine. 

Have I forgiven her? I ask myself often; for not being there when I needed her the most? For turning her back on me and leaving me as an orphan to the world? 

My answer is…. sometimes. Sometimes I have so little love or emotion connected to her that the absence of her being leaves no dent at all. 

But sometimes, I am still angry. Sometimes I am still saddened by the emptiness she left within me and it makes me realize that I have yet to forgive completely. Maybe I never will. 

I’ve done well in this world as a motherless child. I can’t really say that I miss her. But I can say that I miss something that was never there. I miss someone who never existed. I miss someone I never thought I could be without. I miss someone that no child should be without. 

So, to all of those motherless children on Mother’s Day, here’s to you! You might not have ever had a mother or received that undying love you have always deserved, but you do have friends, and brothers and sisters, and pets, and coworkers that love you; That will have your back when you need them to. Here’s to the YOU that you have become, because in the end, you are all that you’ll ever need. 

.in my life… no one compares to you

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“There are places I’ll remember…

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain…

All these places have their moments…

With lovers and friends I still can recall.

Some are dead and some are living

In my life, I’ve loved them all…

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new.”

These lyrics have always touched my heart. They ring true now more than ever. Love is a beautiful gift. I’ll never understand how the human heart works… but the love I have for myself and for my tribe, it’s all I need. And it keeps me going. It gives me a reason to open my eyes in the morning. It gives me a reason to inhale the world around me and absorb the enormous amounts of life and peace that fill my soul. I’m blessed. I’m happy. I’m grateful. For once. In my life, I now know why it all happened the way it did. I now see where I’m going. And I now can enjoy the ride. This love…. is something new. 

In my life…. I love you more ❤

This love is something new

.your self-proclaimed Eden

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You once told me that you no longer recognized me… 

Distaste spilled from your mouth as if this was a truth I should somehow have found shame in. But I knew better. Finally, I knew better. 

For you see, I am still me. It’s just that when we were together I was made a little more of “sorries” than I was of myself. 

 I was little more doormat than backbone and I was little more a weed in your garden of self proclaimed Eden than I was a beautiful, blooming wildflower. 

You said that I changed…. that I was no longer a person you once considered loving. Words designed to cut me to the ground beneath your feet; where you kept me so neatly trimmed for all those years, instead it fell as sweet liberation upon my ears. 

You were right. I was no longer the same reflection you once threw your scraps of love at. But not because I am someone else now. No. Because I finally became the me I too long let wither in your ego’s shadow. Because finally I stepped into the light and let myself bloom. I am me. I always was me. But finally, I am now JUST me.