.underneath

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You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

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.am i a paradox?

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I love everyone and everything yet nothing and no one. I love adventure and new challenges but I fear the unknown and I’m hesitant with change. I am focused yet scatter brained. I am predictable in my unpredictability….

I am devoted yet detached. I am tainted yet passionate. I love meeting and being around new people but I love being alone more. I trust no one yet somehow always get hurt for trusting someone in one way or another.

I am optimistic and light spirited but melancholy and negative. I believe in universal connections and beauty beyond recognition in the power and love between the gods and life as we know it, yet I often question the significance or truth behind any and all of it….

I’m happy and I’m sad. I’m ready and I’m not. I crave more, and nothing all at the same time. I seem to know the answers but can’t apply them to my life…. So where do I stand? Where do you stand? Who are we and are we defined by our fears and desires? Are we who we have been or who we will be? Or are we what we are at this very moment? Or are we just dust in the wind?

My favorite song from my childhood pushed me to question everything….

“I close my eyes
Only for a moment, then the moment’s gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind”

https://www.youtube.com/dustinthewind

Maybe we are just dust in the wind, living in this moment only to realize that the moment will only go as far as we want it to go. It will only be what we want it to be – but it takes energy, focus and a desire to make it so……. push forward is what I say to myself, take control and push forward. If we really are dust in the wind, then let us be magnificent pieces of dust that leaves a trail of love where ever it goes.

Namaste!

~Sincerely, a curious, scared, and eager spec of dust

.baby blues

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Your mouth is moving

But your eyes say so much more

I’m hearing words

But they fall right to the floor

It doesn’t take much to see through your facade

Your smile is sweet

But your touch feels odd

I pray that you don’t feel the need

To mask your insecurities from the one that you see

I’m standing here with my guard down

Inviting you to stay and lay…

Everything out

Just open up

And be true To you

Baby, let’s play the blues

Of our stories and fears

Our failures and tears

It’s okay to be scared

But don’t you even dare…

To think that I will judge

Or be harsh or unfair

Let me in baby

Let me see who you are

Where you’ve been is part of you

A part that I want to share

Let’s sing the blues, baby

Just you and me

Let’s sing the blues, baby

Let’s set ourselves free

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.i am listening

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I am listening to you…
with intent to learn, to grow and to give
I am listening to you…
to your words unspoken
that seep through your bones
I am listening to you…
trying to grasp your language…. your needs and your wants

I am listening to you…
even when you think I am not
I am listening with my eyes as I watch the way you move
I am laughing at your jokes but I see the underlying truths…
I am listening to you in ways you wont understand
but I listen with an open heart as I grasp your hand….

I am listening to you even when I don’t comprehend
the world through your eyes… very different from my own
but, alas, a world that I long to know

I am listening….

.who you choose to be

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If you’re looking down at someone it had better be to help them get up…
Nothing irks me more than the callous eyes that lay a warm blanket of predetermined judgement on someone they know nothing about.
But what does judging mean?
It’s human nature to feel, observe and act accordingly to the people around you.
Judging to me means to treat someone differently than another because you don’t agree with something they do, are or have done. As if you have a right.

All of the great prophets and religious leaders teach the art of judging yourself before you do others….

Here’s a theory I like…. absorb what people have to offer. Accept it, embrace it, chew on it for a bit, then keep it to yourself. Don’t hand out unsolicited advice. Don’t treat them poorly or harshly because they have different views than you. Just let it be. Nothing more. Smile at the beauty of individualism, offer your support when it’s needed or asked for. And lift people up.
We all have a story. We shouldn’t be afraid to share it. We shouldn’t hide behind our imperfections. We shouldn’t fear isolation because we walk a different way.

Its simple knowledge. My son, who was 6 at the time taught me that I had done an awesome job at being a mom when he told me that he ended a fight in school between a Buddhist and a Christian (himself) by telling the other child that God speaks to people in anyway they need it. He appears to them that way too. Its the same God. With the same love. He just looks and sounds different to different people. There is no right or wrong way to love him. They ended up becoming best of friends.
I’ve never been prouder.

So love. Lift up the ones you love. Brighten someone’s day. Teach acceptance. Embrace love. And watch how your world will change.

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.losing control

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My life, not so different from your own comes with happiness, sadness, love and loss… I’ve given and taken. I’ve forgiven and begged for forgiveness my self. But somehow I can’t seem to forget. The pain weighs heavy on my heart. A journey through love and anguish that never seems to end. My heart is usually worn on my sleeve and my emotions overwhelming the people they encompass. After handing my heart to the one I thought would protect it I was left alone with my heart in pieces on the ground…. It torments me and creates an undoubtedly gloomy cloud that hovers over my soul. How can I trust anyone when I’ve lost my best friend? How can I open my heart when it’s in so many pieces….

rather than bottle it up… I’ll write it down.

Sinking ship

The underside of the lightly scented air
Is heavy with gloom and despair
Creeping in on all who seek
Something better than what you would normally think
Ravaging through the journey unknown

Like a sea of rock, pebble and stone
Surrounded by others but always alone
Broken down children who were forced to be grown
A magnitude of facets lighting up the dark sky

Giving hope to all idiots who continue to try
To make sense of this life and the things that come with
The boat is sinking and we need to jump ship
Before we are pulled down to a bottomless pit

What will we have left when there is nothing left to give?
It’s time to make big choices in the ways that we love and live. – Jane Fox ©