.Love

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Love, I have found you. You are everything I thought you could never be. You are everything I never thought I would have. Love, dance with me. Live in color and grow like the beautiful flowers that surround us; against all odds I found you. All will be right, dancing like water with the light. You are all I ever dreamed you to be.

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.Not a day less

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From ever to ever leads to forever
Not a day less will do
We spend so much time being there for others
But I will not leave my forever alone
I have finally found my forever home…

From you, I have found that the uncertainties in my life
were only moments in time…
Like a handless clock with numbers,
time is found only in my mind
But forever seems to be so real when it’s with you

My forever exists only between us two
and even though forever is from ever to ever
Not a day less, from you, will do.

For me, you are the one
Truth in love is priceless
But true love always pays a price
Yet, nothing will keep me from loving you

You are the rest, the best and the untold stories of my life
With you I have less time and more forever
Within you I can finally rest.

True love is give and take
It is sacrifice
But there is nothing that can keep me from loving you
Not rain, storm, fire or ice
Within you I have found my forever…
Never again will I be alone
Because within you I have found my forever home.

 

.in my life… no one compares to you

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“There are places I’ll remember…

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain…

All these places have their moments…

With lovers and friends I still can recall.

Some are dead and some are living

In my life, I’ve loved them all…

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new.”

These lyrics have always touched my heart. They ring true now more than ever. Love is a beautiful gift. I’ll never understand how the human heart works… but the love I have for myself and for my tribe, it’s all I need. And it keeps me going. It gives me a reason to open my eyes in the morning. It gives me a reason to inhale the world around me and absorb the enormous amounts of life and peace that fill my soul. I’m blessed. I’m happy. I’m grateful. For once. In my life, I now know why it all happened the way it did. I now see where I’m going. And I now can enjoy the ride. This love…. is something new. 

In my life…. I love you more ❤

This love is something new

.the moments when I miss

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Lost moments with loves I never knew…Missing the memories I never got to make…

Day dreaming of moments that I know I’ll never have… Questioning why things were never as they seemed. 

Longing for the person I had envisioned her to be. Missing what I had hoped she’d be but never was.

 How can you miss someone that was never real? 

There are times I wish I had her…..

To call and cry my fears too…..

To embrace and know I’m safe…..

I long for the non-judgmental love that a mother gives her child. For the support and guidance and unwavering compassion….

I long for what I never had. For one I’ve never met. 

I see them on the streets… I see them in the homes of my friends…. in the stores, books and movies….

But I’ve never known one to call my own. 

I long for the mother that I once built in my head. 

I long for the family that was never really real. 

I long. 

I fear I always will. 

.the kind of day where words don’t suffice

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Lost in my mind with a million thoughts surfacing… one after another. The maybes. The what ifs. The whys. The why nots. Memories of beauty. Of pure bliss. Memories of sadness and gut wrenching pain. They bring back emotions that seem to be reborn; even for just a moment or two, they become alive again. Some memories have faded and some disappear all together until they reinvent themselves in what seems to be a dejavu but is really just a lost memory that was buried to get through. 

It’s these kinds of days…. those kinds of days that my words can’t explain. My tears can’t wash away. And my heart can’t understand. 

It’s these kinds of days…. those kinds of days…. that drape my soul with the heaviness that I once carried morning and night. The cloth that once veiled my interpretation of life has come back to remind me of who I was and who I’ve been. Where I’ve been and what I’ve seen. 

Even though they still reside deep within me…  and surface every now and then. I don’t run from them anymore. I don’t hide. I just sit. I sit and let it say what it has to say. I let it convey whatever it needs to convey. I sit and I welcome it. I nurture it and embrace it.  And then I let it go. I release the pain and the sadness of memories that were never made. I release the loss of all I had hoped to have. 

Once the cloak is lifted, once I have rebalanced my inner self:  I open my eyes back to my reality…. back to the me I now know…. and I reflect. And I disect. And I push myself to move. Knowing…. understanding…. that I am love. And I will never face anything that my heart can’t withstand. That it will be okay. That I will be okay. That I am okay. 

It’s days like these…. days like those…. that the world around me doesn’t exist.

.then to now

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Going through the words, poems, stories and memories that I have recorded on paper over the past few  years can make my heart tremble at times. The pain that drenched so many of my days still lingers silently in the background of my mind.

Inside of me:

Every moment, every day
navigating through; trying to find my way…
lonely sidewalks calling,
they all know my name
drenched in sorrow, sadness and
a tangled unnamed shame…
Every thought I process
another turn in this lonely game.

My words were so heavy with sadness, confusion and pain…. I remember looking at myself in the mirror not recognizing who I was behind the fake smiles that I wore most every day. 

Reflecting on those words makes me that much more grateful for where I am today… As impossible as it once seemed, I have found the light at the end of my tunnel and have made peace with my past and my pains. My journey is far from over and I’m sure there will be more hurdles…. But my heart no longer hurts as it did before. My soul no longer longs for anything more. It took years, it took patience, it took strength and it took more soul searching than I could have ever imagined, but after a long battle of confusion within myself, I found light.I found peace. And I am finally free.

Now, on to my next journey…


 

.sometimes

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sometimes we wonder
sometimes we wander
sometimes we stay in one place
often times we worry
often times we scurry
through the days in our current time and space

our hearts do the feeling
our minds do the thinking
our souls doing all and everything in-between
but, who do we follow?
who do we need?
what will we do to succeed?

why do we falter?
why do we second guess?
everything our heart feels…
and the thoughts our mind possess?

what is it that scares us?
what is it that holds us back?
what is it that chokes us so calmly and slow
that we can’t seem to stay on track?

we are like the lone rider
on a trail of our own
no support group to rally
even in our own home

but knowing we don’t need them;
the ones who claim to be but aren’t…
is our key to ultimate growth

fake smiles and fake clapping
they peer over your shoulder
pretending they care
when truly, your suffering is what they thrive on

open all the windows and the let the smoke cascade out
the battle you fight is more than internal
it’s all them without a doubt
be bigger in mind, in spirit and in hope
you have to look beyond
the picture that their words spoke

you are only who you are
not what they make you think
you are only who YOU are
not the Kool aide they made you drink

open your eyes and look closer
they have come between you and your ambition
you are their poster girl with no poster
you are all that they want to be