.the kind of day where words don’t suffice

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Lost in my mind with a million thoughts surfacing… one after another. The maybes. The what ifs. The whys. The why nots. Memories of beauty. Of pure bliss. Memories of sadness and gut wrenching pain. They bring back emotions that seem to be reborn; even for just a moment or two, they become alive again. Some memories have faded and some disappear all together until they reinvent themselves in what seems to be a dejavu but is really just a lost memory that was buried to get through. 

It’s these kinds of days…. those kinds of days that my words can’t explain. My tears can’t wash away. And my heart can’t understand. 

It’s these kinds of days…. those kinds of days…. that drape my soul with the heaviness that I once carried morning and night. The cloth that once veiled my interpretation of life has come back to remind me of who I was and who I’ve been. Where I’ve been and what I’ve seen. 

Even though they still reside deep within me…  and surface every now and then. I don’t run from them anymore. I don’t hide. I just sit. I sit and let it say what it has to say. I let it convey whatever it needs to convey. I sit and I welcome it. I nurture it and embrace it.  And then I let it go. I release the pain and the sadness of memories that were never made. I release the loss of all I had hoped to have. 

Once the cloak is lifted, once I have rebalanced my inner self:  I open my eyes back to my reality…. back to the me I now know…. and I reflect. And I disect. And I push myself to move. Knowing…. understanding…. that I am love. And I will never face anything that my heart can’t withstand. That it will be okay. That I will be okay. That I am okay. 

It’s days like these…. days like those…. that the world around me doesn’t exist.

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. the trail

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An ocean of sadness that swallowed her whole.
Questioning her sanity, she began to fall… Deeper into the rushing waves of sheer madness and pain.

Always, she wondered… If it would be the same. She didn’t know just what to do… So she clenched onto her dreams, wishing that they’d all come true.

She left a trail of memories with every tear that stained her face.
She left behind her sadness…
Moving forward in all her tainted grace.

.what I carry inside

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It’s 6 o’clock on a Sunday

And the rain comes pouring down

The memories of what was and is

Always seem to get me down

I look beyond for a brand new hope

But my mind plays tricks on me

And when I think I’ve got it all figured out

Reality kindly greets me

Once again I’m reminded of

The memories that don’t seem to fade

The smile I wear

Can’t hide it all

The truth is I carry pain…

I’m left alone with the world inside

So different from the one you see

Even though my life is different now

The aches are just part of me

The sky is grey

It doesn’t bother me…

It feeds the sadness inside

And tomorrow when the sky is blue

I’ll have a chance to start new…

Maybe then, the sun will bring me joy

And the smile you see will be true

But until then I can’t hide it at all

I’m just feeling blue