.Project You

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You…. Wake up every day. Eyes open, chest rising and falling. The thoughts, plans, lists and responsibilities start running through your mind. Your body resists the urge to move, stretch, get out bed. The lights come on, your eyes squint, your breathing patterns get shorter and you start your day. No matter what you do today, you are doing it. The hours pass, the stress levels rise and fall. Emotions come in waves throughout the day. Laughter, joy, calmness, annoyance, hunger, numbness, anger, stress, enjoyment, pride, success, grief, pain, sleepiness. It all affects your mind, your plans, your body. Night falls, your body rests in its place. Your breathing deepens, your day, events, ups and downs, they run through your mind and you try to clear your thoughts. Lights off, phones down, your eyes shut and your thoughts get muted by your desire to rest, you and take a break only to wake up tomorrow to do the same thing.
What is this? What the hell are we doing? Auto pilot is a thing. And this ride called life that I have been a passenger on for 33 years is annoying. The fleeting moments of happiness that triumphed through the dark were moments that I still cling to because the majority of my life has been veiled in pain from these emotions that plague me. I had moments where I took the wheel as much as possible and made “big” changes in my so called daily life. That’s great and all, but where did it get me? To a new city, with a new job, new friends, new experiences, yay me, but still in this body – still breathing, moving, resting, feeling, living……. Without my consent. And I just have to deal with it. What the hell are we really doing here?

Is it a game? Is it for entertainment? Is it a test? We have all heard of dozens of theories, religious insights, beliefs, hopes, patters, scientific evolution to try to explain our significance, but just as I prefer dark chocolate over milk chocolate and I think that we should all help our fellow humans no matter who they are or where we are in life, our ideas of why we are here and the direction of our moral compasses are just that, ideas…. Nothing more. They are and were created by the minds we can’t control or understand anyway. So, how do we accept these ideas as steadfast truths? Does anyone really believe any of it anyway? Isn’t everything relative? Or do they just hold onto the thought or belief of it as a form of solace and security to get through this strange stage of life as we know it?

Non conformance to the belief system our society holds firm to doesn’t make us unique or wiser than the average bear…. But I choose to keep my eyes open and my mind flexible to different concepts, ideas and visions of what life is all about. At the same time, as much as I would like to figure it all out – I would also like to enjoy it – while I am here – because I don’t really have a choice or a say in where I am going after this or what happen to me later today…. All I have is this moment, and this moment is mine, and I will embrace it as is and will enjoy it as much as humanly possible.

 

.in my life… no one compares to you

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“There are places I’ll remember…

All my life, though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain…

All these places have their moments…

With lovers and friends I still can recall.

Some are dead and some are living

In my life, I’ve loved them all…

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new.”

These lyrics have always touched my heart. They ring true now more than ever. Love is a beautiful gift. I’ll never understand how the human heart works… but the love I have for myself and for my tribe, it’s all I need. And it keeps me going. It gives me a reason to open my eyes in the morning. It gives me a reason to inhale the world around me and absorb the enormous amounts of life and peace that fill my soul. I’m blessed. I’m happy. I’m grateful. For once. In my life, I now know why it all happened the way it did. I now see where I’m going. And I now can enjoy the ride. This love…. is something new. 

In my life…. I love you more ❤

This love is something new

.in my mind

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Sometimes I forget that my world is my own. I forget that others, no matter how many times or different ways I explain it can’t see or understand what my mind sees or feels.

It’s a reality I have to accept because my reality is only my own. My memories, emotions and understandings all come from my own life experiences that are then veiled in my personality and character. How could anyone else possibly see things the way I do?

The best I can do is be as honest and open as possible. To be raw and real. And most importantly be understanding and conscientious of this reality.
It’s also a truth that I have to realize and accept as I try to understand another person’s reality. No matter how many times they explain it or how many different ways they paint their picture it is their reality. And so, just as I yearn to have my reality accepted I need to embrace theirs.
A lesson learned through trial and error and one that I continue to work on daily.

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