.reasons for your smile

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An ode to the little boy who changed my life, my little chapulin.

Reasons for your smile

Sunday sun came without warning
I didn’t know just what to do…
When I think of all the places
And spaces when time stood still
All of the faces that I thought I knew…
And then I had you.

All of the magic that I held in my hands
Beauty in its rarest form
It all came true when I had you…
Who could know the reason for your smile
All of the wonders in your mind

Your brightly colored reasons
Surpassing expectations held in time…
Behind your eyes, my mind wandered
Capturing the pictures, living through you

No reason for sadness, no reason for blue
No reasons to fear the dreams in your mind
The keys to this world, you’re destined to find
You sail to the sky, with your head held high
Little boy, divine
How you always shine…

So young and innocent
So beautiful, your mind…
So pure, your wise old heart…
Strong like an ox, smart like an owl, boy you know it all
Teach me how to see like you,
Teach me how to play…
In my heart, is your home, and that is where you’ll stay

 

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.running with scissors

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As mother’s day approaches I reflect on my vision of a mother. They come in all sizes, colors and at different prices.
Growing up as an orphaned child within my own family is a hard reality to accept. But it is what I have.

My bio mother was the one who’s roof I slept under and who’s money paid for my food, but not who’s heart was there for me.

I celebrate mother’s day as a motherless child in a grown woman’s body. And I’m okay with that.

I remember feeling alone and realizing that I was abandoned emotionally at a very young age. In fact, my earliest memories are from when I was 3 or 4 years old looking for a way to leave my family. Praying to god that someone would take me away…. Becoming reclusive and creating my own world internally to get through my days.

The bad memories outweigh the good by far and now as an adult and a mother of the three best things that ever happened to me, my heart aches even more as I try to understand how a mother could NOT love her own child.

I grew up knowing I was an obligation and nothing more. As an adult I repeatedly grieved the loss of my vision of a mother because throughout the stages of my life I continuously tried to see her through a different light, but my expectations were never met. I blamed myself for expecting too much or expecting her to be something she could never be. But the more I blamed myself the more I realized that the idea of her lack of love being my fault was just another symptom of a codependent childhood.
When I learned to love myself as an adult, the pieces of the puzzle came together on their own. And once again I went through the grieving process of losing that mother I wish she could have been. But this last time was different because it was in acceptance rather than out of blame.

She could have been everything I needed, she could have been supportive, she could have been a teacher or guided me in any way. She could have at least told me not to run with scissors through the tangled roads of life… But she wasn’t, she didn’t and she couldn’t. She lived her life for herself and I was the result of a mistake. I was there as an outcome and a reason to blame all of her shortcomings on. I was there to clean, to babysit, to show off as a token, but that was the extent of our relationship.

What I’ve learned from the demise of this unhealthy relationship, was that it was just that. Like any relationship, whether blood or not, if unhealthy, should be put to rest. And when the ties were cut and I was no longer an excuse or a reason for failure I learned to love myself.
And for the first time in my life I was free. I am free and I celebrate mother’s day as a motherless child, but as a mother who adores her children, who loves all children and who is, in the end, a survivor of neglect and self hatred that rooted from a lack of love and acceptance throughout my life.

So, Happy mother’s day to the mother I never had. It was you that helped me become the mother and woman I am today. And for that, I am grateful.

.for my children

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I love you more with every day
Your little souls wrapped around mine
I love you more than I love myself
I’ve loved you since the beginning of time…
Your tiny hands, slowly they grew
Every day your beautiful spirits
create something new..

I thought I would be the one to teach you
The one to show you the way
I thought I’d be the one to guide you
And shelter you from dismay

But my world so different since you’ve been with me
My eyes forced open and made to see
That you were the answers to all my prayers
You were the ones who were always there
Without you I know not love
Without you I have no drive
Without you my soul would wither away
Without you I would die

Your souls, so wise and minds, so sweet
This world with you, is finally complete
Never a moment when you don’t shine
Lift up your voices and and shine throughout time!

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