.she is not me

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I love going through my journals, and the endless piles of tattered notebooks that fill my heart with nostalgia, love, pain and sometimes with peace…. An array of emotions usually come over as I live out the memories in my mind that inspired the words and scribbles. Sometimes it’s a smile or a tear, sometimes it’s gut wrenching sadness, and sometimes it’s bliss…. But every time I open those pages I seem to grow a little more, heal a little deeper, and love that much harder. It’s a process, but one that I thoroughly enjoy.

Here’s one I found from a time when the light at the end of my tunnel was dim. A time when I felt that my optimism had dissolved and all that was left was a memory of who I used to be.  ‘She is not me’ brings a heavy sadness, as you can see through her eyes and you see that she has become someone she doesn’t recognize anymore…. and it brings her enough pain to change.

Hopefully, at one point, these words are going to be lyrics rather than just poetry… I have a melody in my mind that the piano plays slowly…

.She is not me

It’s not simple to say
that most days I don’t recognize who I am
With these clothes
and these words
they all seem so simple,
but open the door,
I’ll put it all on the table…

I’ve lost the better half of me
She’s gone to a place that I can no longer see….
Wandering recklessly
She…..
She is not me

Smiles and laughing
the one with the quick wit
She’s not the one who you’d think
is endlessly crying…. inside
is endlessly dying

Walls and boundaries were set
the girl in the mirror….
she doesn’t recognize me

She stares right back….
Her eyes look so dim
why can’t she see through me?
to the one I am within….
She used to be so bright, she used to see so clear
but all I see staring is someone who is drowning in fear

I’ve lost the better half of me
She’s gone to a place that I can no longer see….
Wandering recklessly
She….
She is not me

crying

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.am i a paradox?

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I love everyone and everything yet nothing and no one. I love adventure and new challenges but I fear the unknown and I’m hesitant with change. I am focused yet scatter brained. I am predictable in my unpredictability….

I am devoted yet detached. I am tainted yet passionate. I love meeting and being around new people but I love being alone more. I trust no one yet somehow always get hurt for trusting someone in one way or another.

I am optimistic and light spirited but melancholy and negative. I believe in universal connections and beauty beyond recognition in the power and love between the gods and life as we know it, yet I often question the significance or truth behind any and all of it….

I’m happy and I’m sad. I’m ready and I’m not. I crave more, and nothing all at the same time. I seem to know the answers but can’t apply them to my life…. So where do I stand? Where do you stand? Who are we and are we defined by our fears and desires? Are we who we have been or who we will be? Or are we what we are at this very moment? Or are we just dust in the wind?

My favorite song from my childhood pushed me to question everything….

“I close my eyes
Only for a moment, then the moment’s gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind”

https://www.youtube.com/dustinthewind

Maybe we are just dust in the wind, living in this moment only to realize that the moment will only go as far as we want it to go. It will only be what we want it to be – but it takes energy, focus and a desire to make it so……. push forward is what I say to myself, take control and push forward. If we really are dust in the wind, then let us be magnificent pieces of dust that leaves a trail of love where ever it goes.

Namaste!

~Sincerely, a curious, scared, and eager spec of dust

.retaliation

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the danger of retaliation
is the continuation of violence
the inevitable outcome of a determined retribution
will end unpredictably…

karma wont stay away very long…
she will unfold an indiscernible curve ball
that will knock you off your feet
and bring an end to it all
hold tight to the truths that make you real

change the cycle now, that pushes you like a raging tide
from the instincts that are buried deep down inside
with hope for more chances to undo what has already been done
an endless battle that can’t seem to be won

.memories

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My heart longs for the memories that I never got to make with you…
My soul cries for the future I had painted that was simply washed away…
Missing the parts that never happened…
Wiping my tears with a cloth full of regrets…
My heart not whole, my mind in turmoil
Sometimes I lose who I am.
In the end I see a light…
She is dim but I know she is there…
In time my soul will heal
Until then… I will try to numb what I feel

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