.a not so pleasant reflection

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What is it that makes us create this ideal person in our minds? This person who should never fail, who should never fall or get upset? Why do we dwell on our shortcomings as if this person is expected to be golden?

Why can’t we just accept ourselves as is? And not in an “I’m okay with mediocrity and never going to grow” kind of way, but in a way that we accept ourselves as human beings with flaws. One that is inevitably going to make mistakes, and sometimes repeat them, one who is going to look stupid at times, step up to the plate when they are feeling frustrated and just be who they are?

So what I get upset sometimes, and say things I shouldn’t…. I was expressing what I felt at that moment. Or something silly got me excited so I squealed like a child… So what if I fall madly in love and don’t pay attention to the reality around me for a while… So fucking what?

People will always judge us, that is the most predictable part of the story, but shouldn’t we be free from judgment in even one element of our lives? In self love? Now, I am regretful of several things in my life, and at any given time, if the opportunity was present, I would go back and ask for a redo…. but that is because I have gone through the experiences of both the decisions and the outcomes.

At the time, I was just living.

And a lot of my bad choices are only bad because they didn’t get me where I would like to be now or they hurt someone… but if they had gotten me where I wanted and perhaps not hurt anyone along the way, would they have really been bad at all?

I don’t label myself a failure, but I have failed a lot. Because my expectations for myself are higher than for anyone else. I hold myself to this standard of perfection even though I am so far from my ideal self that, on occasion, I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. At the same time, I know that I am a very strong person, I am someone that I would like to be friends with…. I am a survivor. I am an inventor, I am an artist and lover and inspirer….. But to who?

I don’t inspire myself, so here I am again, seeing the good things about me only through someone else’s eyes. And the bad stands out like a peacock in a chicken coop. I’ve hurt someone that I love because I can’t seem to keep my rose colored glasses on for more than few moments at a time. I hold it all in until it all bursts out…. then…. pow. I’m back to square one.

Now I’m sick to my stomach in disgrace with my lack of tact and empathy because I spewed out all those nasty negatives that have been bundled up inside…. rather than work through them and find a solution… I just spewed it all out. I regret it, I shouldn’t have done it, but now what? How do I erase what I’ve said and how I have painted myself to be, both to this person and myself?

I want to apologize and wipe it away just suck up the emotions, whatever they were, and say they are gone… but are they? Will it fix anything? Or am I doomed to repeat my mistake once again…. After I hide it for a while as I attempt to live up to my perfect idea of me, will it creep back out of me? Will I ever “grow up”?

Maybe I should embrace those crazy emotions and say this is part of me… It is a part of me that is evolving still and hopefully will adapt to a more understanding demeanor in time. But alas, it is part of this big ball of good and bad I call myself. And like it or leave it, who I am is all I truly have in this world. I don’t control things, or people, or circumstances, but I have me, the good, the bad and the ugly until my time here is done…..

I still haven’t come to any fantastic conclusions or had an amen moment when I sit and try to figure this out, but I have realized that my choices now, dictate my future no matter how small. Words can’t be erased once said, feelings can’t be un-hurt, expectations can’t always be met, but with each stride I take, I grow a little more… and maybe one day that lady on the other side of the mirror will sincerely smile back. Maybe then, I will be able to be me without so much discontent. Maybe then, I will truly be free.

If you think of anything sooner than I do please let me know…. I forgot to mention that I am not very good with this thing called patience either….. Namaste!

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.in my life

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I listen to the words of one of my favorite songs by the Beatles, In My Life, and it breaks my heart.

I love people. I’ve loved some more than others. And I’ve loved one more than anything… I’ve trusted and been let down. I’ve worn the rose colored glasses and practically worshiped the man I love.
I love my children with a love that rips me apart each time I think of them.

I love my friends, who have have become my family. And I love them with every ounce of love I have left.

I’ve loved myself and tried to stay true to who I am but often, I lose track of that and love my people more.

I love. I am love. I share love. Yet love consumes me and often ends up hurting me more than I can handle…

I’ve lost a lot. And I appreciate the experiences that love has brought. But I can’t justify the pain that comes when that love is not reciprocated or when it gets torn away from me.

I’m in between, as I can’t control who I love. But I’m tired of getting hurt. And I’m sorry if I take it out on you as I search for balance.

To all whom I love, to all who I ever loved… I love you truly and unconditionally and I always will.

in my life *click here to listen