.in my life

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I listen to the words of one of my favorite songs by the Beatles, In My Life, and it breaks my heart.

I love people. I’ve loved some more than others. And I’ve loved one more than anything… I’ve trusted and been let down. I’ve worn the rose colored glasses and practically worshiped the man I love.
I love my children with a love that rips me apart each time I think of them.

I love my friends, who have have become my family. And I love them with every ounce of love I have left.

I’ve loved myself and tried to stay true to who I am but often, I lose track of that and love my people more.

I love. I am love. I share love. Yet love consumes me and often ends up hurting me more than I can handle…

I’ve lost a lot. And I appreciate the experiences that love has brought. But I can’t justify the pain that comes when that love is not reciprocated or when it gets torn away from me.

I’m in between, as I can’t control who I love. But I’m tired of getting hurt. And I’m sorry if I take it out on you as I search for balance.

To all whom I love, to all who I ever loved… I love you truly and unconditionally and I always will.

in my life *click here to listen

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.to my lost lover

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It was you and always you
The one I held so high
Imperfections were present
But they never made me fly

I thought I gave it all to you
My hopes, my dreams, my worst fears

I failed at being the best I could
I fell short of your expectations
I thought with all my heart I could…
But I was only me…

I tried to be a better version
I tried to love you more
Yet still, I made you run… right out the front door…

The answers to my prayers, you were.           But I to you, was the cloud in front of your sun.

You loved me.
I know you did.
And my heart will forever have a place in you.

But I wasn’t enough.
I’m sorry I let you down…
I’m sorry I lost my way…

To my lover, I would have died for you
I would have given all for you
I was waiting for that day

What’s left now is two broken hearts
navigating through the endless trails of lost hope and regrets…
I wish you would have held on longer. I wish you wouldn’t have strayed.
I wish I could have shown you my heart and treat you to the best of days…

And so, my lover I let you go
In sorrow I ask you to hold
The memories that won’t leave my side
The heartache that resides in my soul

You’ll always be the one I wanted
You’ll always hold that part
You’ll always be….
What meant most

But now our paths have changed and the wind has set you free

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.knowing when to stop

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love is a drug that you can’t dabble in. it’s highly addictive. and often destructive to the creature who carries it.

As a highly sensitive person I’ve experienced great emotional connections that at the time were explosive inside creating a cosmic balance that seemed un-earthly. I’m a gentle soul and often quiet, also highly expressive, emotional and passionate, so there is often a tremendous spark, if not a bonfire, of attraction and energy between me and the one I love. It becomes an addiction that I can’t control despite the risk of losing myself to whom ever I love.

Highly sensitive people, I’ve noticed are natural nurtures with a strong, driving desire to foster others’ personal growth. We are the world’s counsellors, finding personal fulfilment in helping and encouraging other people. They can often sense another person’s deeper feelings, seeing through the façade that other people wear and directly to the emotions buried down deep. Knowing that these deep-rooted feelings and beliefs are painful, we want and tend to respond compassionately to try to help that person grow. It’s an added thrill to see the people we reach thrive because we’ve been able to touch and recognize a soul that might not have been if it weren’t for our empathy and drive.

I see nothing wrong in this, until you make it a perpetual routine. Because you lose focus on yourself. You create a cycle where it’s all you do and you lose who YOU are. I know I’ve lost who I am. And I’m the only one to blame.

It wasn’t until I realized that I need to find balance between tending to other’s and tending to myself that I started to pull back and work on myself and my desires to grow internally. It seems like a healthy choice, but when you have been one way for so long, the people around you fight the change. The people you love think it’s their fault and they get hurt. The man I love is a highly sensitive person, just as I am. Both wanting to help and build each other up, we thrive on seeing the other succeed in personal and spiritual growth…. We lost ourselves in those desires. We made mistakes, some unknowingly, and some intentionally… it took months of trying to heal the wounds – tending to each other’s needs in order to heal each other… but that was the problem in its self. We counted on each other to fix the other.

Clearly, it was not healthy. But tell that to my heart. She longs for more – for fifth and sixth chances at this highly passionate and explosive love. She fights on a daily basis with logic, past mistakes, and learned knowledge…. She self imploded on a daily basis. So then I ask myself, how can it hurt so badly? Why would doing something right be so devastating to us both? WHY did we ruin something so amazing?

The questions keep coming, the answers far from surfacing….
How do you know when enough is enough? How do you push yourself to let go? How do you know when its time to try again?
Love is a beautiful thing. But if it’s real enough, passionate enough, strong enough… It will consume you and cause you to question everything.

And it hurts.

.losing control

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My life, not so different from your own comes with happiness, sadness, love and loss… I’ve given and taken. I’ve forgiven and begged for forgiveness my self. But somehow I can’t seem to forget. The pain weighs heavy on my heart. A journey through love and anguish that never seems to end. My heart is usually worn on my sleeve and my emotions overwhelming the people they encompass. After handing my heart to the one I thought would protect it I was left alone with my heart in pieces on the ground…. It torments me and creates an undoubtedly gloomy cloud that hovers over my soul. How can I trust anyone when I’ve lost my best friend? How can I open my heart when it’s in so many pieces….

rather than bottle it up… I’ll write it down.

Sinking ship

The underside of the lightly scented air
Is heavy with gloom and despair
Creeping in on all who seek
Something better than what you would normally think
Ravaging through the journey unknown

Like a sea of rock, pebble and stone
Surrounded by others but always alone
Broken down children who were forced to be grown
A magnitude of facets lighting up the dark sky

Giving hope to all idiots who continue to try
To make sense of this life and the things that come with
The boat is sinking and we need to jump ship
Before we are pulled down to a bottomless pit

What will we have left when there is nothing left to give?
It’s time to make big choices in the ways that we love and live. – Jane Fox ©