Someone close to me recently pointed out how I apologize for things that are both in and out of my control. He pointed it out often, until I started to notice myself… Yesterday I counted 42 times before the day was over. Why am I so sorry? Truth is, I’ve been programmed to wish I was better and could fix all of your problems. That I am less than… That I am not enough unless I can fix your problems… The world’s problems. Truth is: I can’t. And I should not be sorry or disappointed when I can’t. Because that is reality.
Sorry not sorry
I’m not sorry… Truth be told
That I can’t help you when you don’t want to be helped
I’m not sorry that I was in your way when you chose to walk in my direction.
For not living up to your expectations…
I’m not sorry for that either
I’m not sorry that I can’t buy you happiness or give you all I have worked so hard for.
I’m not sorry that my opinion is different than yours
Or that I enjoy my music loud and powerful in the car next to you
I’m sorry not sorry for smiling at you when you are in a bad mood
I’m not sorry for getting offended when you say something stupid
I’m not sorry for calling you out when you are being naive
When I told you that you needed to wake the hell up and appreciate what is in front of you, I’m not sorry for that either
I’m not sorry for dressing the way I please
Or singing my way through the grocery store
I’m not sorry that I get overly excited over things that are insignificant to you
Those are the things that make me happy
They don’t have to make you happy too
I’m not sorry for not knowing how to do everything the right way
For making mistakes, I make them often and I’m not sorry for it
I’m not sorry that you can’t find your pen. Or that you are having a terrible day because you stubbed your toe this morning.
I’m not sorry that I have feelings I can’t explain.
And that I don’t know how to express them, I’m not sorry for that either.
I’m not sorry for crying when I need to cry.
Or for distancing myself when I need space to think.
I need what I need. And I am who I am. I am not sorry for that.
I am grateful for you… Being understanding, but not sorry.
One thing I AM sorry for, is that I had become this person who was sorry for existing unless it pleased you. She is gone now.
I am not sorry for being me. At all. I enjoy being me. Mistakes and all. I might be empathetic for your misfortunes but I don’t take the blame and I can’t be sorry for being who I am. I do my best to be the best me… This is all I’ve got.
If you choose to stay either way, I’m grateful. Sorry not sorry
Right when I thought I knew who I was…. Boom. I realize that just today I am different than yesterday.
Its crazy how quickly we can morph into something we never thought we would. Not necessarily because we are opposed to it, but because it was never something we thought of to begin with.
Growth and change are something we were born to do. To expand our knowledge and spirituality. Our oneness with everyone and everything. I believe we had knowledge and acceptance of it when we were children but society changes the way we think and for one reason or another we digress and have to start over as adults.
I find it fascinating and beautiful really. How every moment is a chance to start over. To wipe the slate clean. To experience new ways of thinking and accepting new truths as your own.
People often ask me what I believe in because that’s small talk nowadays I suppose…. And they usually don’t like my answer. My answer is always the same, though. I don’t know what I believe completely, because I learn more every day, but I do know what I don’t believe and that brings me peace. Most people don’t know how to respond to that because they are expecting me to answer the same way they do… With this cement answer stating that I know this certain truth and nothing can shake my faith. Truth is, I have that faith but it is a faith in the unknown. The acceptance in knowing that I know nothing compared to what’s really out there and that my goal is to learn all that I possibly can.
I know who I am not. I know exactly the kind of person I will never be. But I am open to change and expansion and growth on so many levels. Beyond my own person journey I also get to enjoy and benefit from watching the people I love experience the same thing.
I’ve thought that I knew people to a T….
And then the beautiful part comes in and they find a new path, an opportunity for change and growth and they begin to wander down the road of uncertainty with a heart full of hope and openness. Granted, there have been times when I didn’t want certain people to change, but their change encouraged my own. And regardless of my liking, it is part of who we are as humans. And so I remind myself of how important it is to be supportive and encouraging through those amazing transitions.
It is a blessing to be able to be there and to be part of it.
Bottom line is. Be aware of your growth. And the growth of the people surrounding you. Don’t hold back or fear the unknown. Its a beautiful, natural progression that is necessary for more reasons than we can understand.
What makes the world so bright
To the small child inside us all?
The fear and stress we have
Is from being here….
But wanting to be there…
It comes from knowledge, faith and hope
Of a brighter beautiful way…
One that we pray for each and every day
Behind your eyes are answers to it all
But we choose to hide instead of
We choose to hope and then say;
it was never meant to be…
But the truth, you see
Is that YOU never made it be…
Step outside of the walls that contain…
Take a leap of faith
Take what you have and use it
Mold it into new
Be a better, brighter you.
It’s not what you have
It’s what you know…
And if you stop hoping
And start doing…
You will see you’re not alone.