.when you never really had a mother 

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Mother’s Day….. a day to celebrate the beauty of a mother and her undying love for her child or children. But what if you are a motherless child who never knew the love that a mother so instinctually gives her child? It’s not much of a celebration after all…. Not for me

As a motherless child I often reflect on the memories of myself and my mother that I never got to make; The endless chatter, the moments of comfort and safety. The expectations of these things drew out images in my mind… images and moments that I could only experience in my dreams. 

Often times I envy the mother/daughter duos who seem to be the best of friends. And the families that gather together to shower the queen with the love and support she always selflessly showers them in. 

It’s always a process of sadness as I sit alone, then anger because of the “why couldn’t she be? And why not me? ” that envelope my mind. Lastly, comes the acceptance, the grieving and the letting go of all the things I had wished for but never received. 

She could have been a lot of things. She chose not to be.We could have been a lot of things. But she chose not to be… with me. She chose to deprive me of those moments, of those emotions and memories in time. She claimed that she loves me. But showed something oh so different. Her twisted vision of love will never match with mine. 

Have I forgiven her? I ask myself often; for not being there when I needed her the most? For turning her back on me and leaving me as an orphan to the world? 

My answer is…. sometimes. Sometimes I have so little love or emotion connected to her that the absence of her being leaves no dent at all. 

But sometimes, I am still angry. Sometimes I am still saddened by the emptiness she left within me and it makes me realize that I have yet to forgive completely. Maybe I never will. 

I’ve done well in this world as a motherless child. I can’t really say that I miss her. But I can say that I miss something that was never there. I miss someone who never existed. I miss someone I never thought I could be without. I miss someone that no child should be without. 

So, to all of those motherless children on Mother’s Day, here’s to you! You might not have ever had a mother or received that undying love you have always deserved, but you do have friends, and brothers and sisters, and pets, and coworkers that love you; That will have your back when you need them to. Here’s to the YOU that you have become, because in the end, you are all that you’ll ever need. 

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