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.Project You

You…. Wake up every day. Eyes open, chest rising and falling. The thoughts, plans, lists and responsibilities start running through your mind. Your body resists the urge to move, stretch, get out bed. The lights come on, your eyes squint, your breathing patterns get shorter and you start your day. No matter what you do today, you are doing it. The hours pass, the stress levels rise and fall. Emotions come in waves throughout the day. Laughter, joy, calmness, annoyance, hunger, numbness, anger, stress, enjoyment, pride, success, grief, pain, sleepiness. It all affects your mind, your plans, your body. Night falls, your body rests in its place. Your breathing deepens, your day, events, ups and downs, they run through your mind and you try to clear your thoughts. Lights off, phones down, your eyes shut and your thoughts get muted by your desire to rest, you and take a break only to wake up tomorrow to do the same thing.
What is this? What the hell are we doing? Auto pilot is a thing. And this ride called life that I have been a passenger on for 33 years is annoying. The fleeting moments of happiness that triumphed through the dark were moments that I still cling to because the majority of my life has been veiled in pain from these emotions that plague me. I had moments where I took the wheel as much as possible and made “big” changes in my so called daily life. That’s great and all, but where did it get me? To a new city, with a new job, new friends, new experiences, yay me, but still in this body – still breathing, moving, resting, feeling, living……. Without my consent. And I just have to deal with it. What the hell are we really doing here?

Is it a game? Is it for entertainment? Is it a test? We have all heard of dozens of theories, religious insights, beliefs, hopes, patters, scientific evolution to try to explain our significance, but just as I prefer one over the other or I think that we should all help our fellow humans no matter who they are or where we are in life, our ideas of why we are here and the direction of our moral compasses are just that, ideas….

Nothing more.

They are and were created by the minds we can’t control or understand anyway. So, how do we accept these ideas as steadfast truths? Does anyone really believe any of it anyway? Isn’t everything relative? Or do they just hold onto the thought or belief of it as a form of solace and security to get through this strange stage of life as we know it?

Non conformance to the belief system our society holds firm to doesn’t make us unique or wiser than the average bear…. But I choose to keep my eyes open and my mind flexible to different concepts, ideas and visions of what life is all about. At the same time, as much as I would like to figure it all out – I would also like to enjoy it – while I am here – because I don’t really have a choice or a say in where I am going after this or what happen to me later today…. All I have is this moment, and this moment is mine, and I will embrace it as is and will enjoy it as much as humanly possible.

.moments

Most of the time I do my best at living in the moment. Embracing what is no matter what it took to get here. My fears of collapse cause me to clench onto all that I know and have in hopes of not letting my fleeting moments of happiness continue to…. fleet.

Life doesn’t make sense in the moment, and when it does, it only makes sense if things feel like they are lining up the way you had hoped. When things are hard, or things are troubled, we question everything…. Absolutely everything.

As of late, I’ve been able to step outside of my reality even during the good times and evaluate the outcome of my current…. I see the end picture but the path to get there is still blurry. Am I doing things right?

How can one be happy and sad at the same time? How can I  be scared and confident all at once?

Life makes no sense and so much sense all at the same time. Life. Moments. Peace. Turmoil. Happiness. Fear. Pain. Joy. Inspiration…. circling through my mind. Enveloping my heart. Cycling through my now.

But why? Where do I go from here?

.Love

Love, I have found you. You are everything I thought you could never be. You are everything I never thought I would have. Love, dance with me. Live in color and grow like the beautiful flowers that surround us; against all odds I found you. All will be right, dancing like water with the light. You are all I ever dreamed you to be.

.Not a day less

From ever to ever leads to forever
Not a day less will do
We spend so much time being there for others
But I will not leave my forever alone
I have finally found my forever home…

From you, I have found that the uncertainties in my life
were only moments in time…
Like a handless clock with numbers,
time is found only in my mind
But forever seems to be so real when it’s with you

My forever exists only between us two
and even though forever is from ever to ever
Not a day less, from you, will do.

For me, you are the one
Truth in love is priceless
But true love always pays a price
Yet, nothing will keep me from loving you

You are the rest, the best and the untold stories of my life
With you I have less time and more forever
Within you I can finally rest.

True love is give and take
It is sacrifice
But there is nothing that can keep me from loving you
Not rain, storm, fire or ice
Within you I have found my forever…
Never again will I be alone
Because within you I have found my forever home.

 

.when you never really had a mother 

Mother’s Day….. a day to celebrate the beauty of a mother and her undying love for her child or children. But what if you are a motherless child who never knew the love that a mother so instinctually gives her child? It’s not much of a celebration after all…. Not for me

As a motherless child I often reflect on the memories of myself and my mother that I never got to make; The endless chatter, the moments of comfort and safety. The expectations of these things drew out images in my mind… images and moments that I could only experience in my dreams. 

Often times I envy the mother/daughter duos who seem to be the best of friends. And the families that gather together to shower the queen with the love and support she always selflessly showers them in. 

It’s always a process of sadness as I sit alone, then anger because of the “why couldn’t she be? And why not me? ” that envelope my mind. Lastly, comes the acceptance, the grieving and the letting go of all the things I had wished for but never received. 

She could have been a lot of things. She chose not to be.We could have been a lot of things. But she chose not to be… with me. She chose to deprive me of those moments, of those emotions and memories in time. She claimed that she loves me. But showed something oh so different. Her twisted vision of love will never match with mine. 

Have I forgiven her? I ask myself often; for not being there when I needed her the most? For turning her back on me and leaving me as an orphan to the world? 

My answer is…. sometimes. Sometimes I have so little love or emotion connected to her that the absence of her being leaves no dent at all. 

But sometimes, I am still angry. Sometimes I am still saddened by the emptiness she left within me and it makes me realize that I have yet to forgive completely. Maybe I never will. 

I’ve done well in this world as a motherless child. I can’t really say that I miss her. But I can say that I miss something that was never there. I miss someone who never existed. I miss someone I never thought I could be without. I miss someone that no child should be without. 

So, to all of those motherless children on Mother’s Day, here’s to you! You might not have ever had a mother or received that undying love you have always deserved, but you do have friends, and brothers and sisters, and pets, and coworkers that love you; That will have your back when you need them to. Here’s to the YOU that you have become, because in the end, you are all that you’ll ever need. 

.your self-proclaimed Eden

You once told me that you no longer recognized me… 

Distaste spilled from your mouth as if this was a truth I should somehow have found shame in. But I knew better. Finally, I knew better. 

For you see, I am still me. It’s just that when we were together I was made a little more of “sorries” than I was of myself. 

 I was little more doormat than backbone and I was little more a weed in your garden of self proclaimed Eden than I was a beautiful, blooming wildflower. 

You said that I changed…. that I was no longer a person you once considered loving. Words designed to cut me to the ground beneath your feet; where you kept me so neatly trimmed for all those years, instead it fell as sweet liberation upon my ears. 

You were right. I was no longer the same reflection you once threw your scraps of love at. But not because I am someone else now. No. Because I finally became the me I too long let wither in your ego’s shadow. Because finally I stepped into the light and let myself bloom. I am me. I always was me. But finally, I am now JUST me. 

.underneath

You ask me where I come from. What I’ve done. Where I’ve been. Who I am. 

I could write about my childhood…. growing up in a household with parents who don’t know what love is. With siblings that follow suit. I could tell you about the endless days and nights where I cried alone in a dark room hoping for an end to my own misery; learning the ins and and outs of lies and manipulation. My journey of raising my younger siblings alone and trying to educate them so they have a chance at a decent life…. or how my drive to be better than the life that was set up for me. I taught myself everything I know. I learned what love was by loving and nourishing others. That’s where I come from. 

Where did it lead me? Into the law binding marriage of an emotionally and physically abusive man. Into the home of another shade of ugly that disguised itself in religion and tortured me behind closed doors. I didn’t believe that I deserved better. Not after all I had been through before. 

The next rut was just as ugly with out the exterior bruises as proof. Manipulation and emotional abuse that ripped me to pieces….

You want to hear the struggle? About my endurance and drive? 

You want to know what makes me tick? How I managed my way through life and how the hell I’m probably the happiest person you know?

Well that’s just it… I’m happy. Because I choose to be. I had no reason to be for the first half of my life. I’ve changed my perspective and I’ve embraced life. I’ve walked away from the toxic waste that loomed over me for so long. I’ve built bridges out of trust and communication. I’ve formed relationships out of love. And I’ve learned to love myself. Scars and all. 

This is me. My past is just that. It is not who I am. Or who I have been. It just was. It was a chapter in a book that was burned. One I’ll never open again. One I’ll never revisit. One that lead me to emotional turmoil… and eventually to peace. 

Peace. Such a lovely thought. It seems impossible to some. But the secret to it is acceptance. Acceptance of the ugliness we have all carried at one point in our lives. It’s acceptance of failure but also acceptance of who we truly are. How beautiful we are. How magical we are. Peace is alive. It is an attainable blessing that comes from making a simple choice. 

That my friends, is who I am; I am Peace. Don’t ask me where I come from as if it reflects who I am today. I am who I am today because of who I choose to be each morning. And that is where I come from. I come from the beautiful acceptance of beauty and love each and every morning. And that too, is who you are. 

Namaste 

.the moments when I miss

Lost moments with loves I never knew…Missing the memories I never got to make…

Day dreaming of moments that I know I’ll never have… Questioning why things were never as they seemed. 

Longing for the person I had envisioned her to be. Missing what I had hoped she’d be but never was.

 How can you miss someone that was never real? 

There are times I wish I had her…..

To call and cry my fears too…..

To embrace and know I’m safe…..

I long for the non-judgmental love that a mother gives her child. For the support and guidance and unwavering compassion….

I long for what I never had. For one I’ve never met. 

I see them on the streets… I see them in the homes of my friends…. in the stores, books and movies….

But I’ve never known one to call my own. 

I long for the mother that I once built in my head. 

I long for the family that was never really real. 

I long. 

I fear I always will. 

.time

Time is a funny thing. It keeps me up at night. It speeds me through my day. It stresses me out and I never seem to have enough of it. But what is time, really?

Why does it dictate my life the way I allow it to? Why do I dread looking at the clock only to rush my way through the day? 

I sit and think. And think and think. 

I’ve been told to embrace each moment as if it’s the last. Hoping that tomorrow will make more sense and that life will pan out…. in time. But tomorrow will soon be my yesterday. And my yesterdays are full of hope for tomorrow. Today will soon be yesterday too…. What did I get out of it aside from a muddled memory of running through the rat race of life? Will the moments add up and finally click for me? Or will I continue to work to live and live to work in this rut I call independence? 

I appreciate the small things in life… a child’s smile. The warm windy breeze. The sound of waves crashing. The warmth of my blankets. I appreciate the kind gestures of others. The way my chest sinks when I can make someone else smile. The feeling of a warm embrace. It is those moments that have filled my life with joy. They have outweighed the uncertainties. But I can’t help to question why. Why do the little things mean so much when the negative seems to come in waves of destruction? 

How is it that my stress levels can bring me to my knees in tears yet a simple song can remove the pain? A kiss on my forehead or a hand run through my hair?

The questions keep coming and I have yet to find the answers. Maybe I will in time… but again, what is time? 

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