.a painful love

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Undecided, she traveled forward in her mind regretting the memories that refuse to be forgotten. ~JF ©

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.In my mind

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Most of the time I am fairly good with words. My perspective of my daily life is usually filtered by an inner monologue that fills in the gaps. And more often than not there is some sort of ongoing theme song playing quietly inside.
You may think it’s odd or maybe even crazy, you may say I live in the clouds, but I think it’s normal. Just as if you say you have a gut feeling or your conscience guides you…. My writer/poet/music lover mind leads me in the right direction….

Today was an un-delightful day for me. One that was dripping with sorrow and it created a dark blanket of cold which seemed to consume me. I felt alone. I feel alone. Which isn’t always a bad thing… but today it was and is.  I was pushed to put my thoughts on paper when I couldn’t get my mind to quiet down.
Here’s a snippet for you.

YOU
Intruder of my soul
You rip apart the little peace I have left within
Your words of sorrow and regret
Mean nothing in the wind…
The breeze will blow them away
And tomorrow, a new day…
Where your words have diluted
And your actions all the same
How can you say you love me?
How can you truly believe?
That I am worthy of the pain you cause within?
I have loved you with a passionate furry
I have cherished the gift of love you promised
I have adored the mere ground you walked upon….
Yet my heart aches with every exchange
You betrayed me and continue to
Expecting me to agree….
You have been there for me in hard times,
Yet secretly hurting me just the same
Your cloak of love is haunting
I push away only to be drawn back in…
My heart in two separate places
Slowly destroying the other
I am crumbling at your feet, yet you look the other way
With hopes of tomorrow, for a new and better day
Let me warn you of the pain
That you seek upon yourself…
Hoping and praying and having faith
For something beyond your grasp…
You are destined for disappointment
You are asking to drown in pain
I know because I’m hardly breathing as I suffer in this way
You can’t expect tomorrow to make itself a new
When we sit and fuck the day that we reside in now
Today was yesterday’s tomorrow,
And look how gray it is…
There is no new tomorrow,
No happiness that could be,
No peace upon the hilltop,
No calm in the midst of the storm…
Today…
Today is the only day we have, and yet our pain resides.
Don’t hope. Don’t pray. Don’t have faith in anything,
But today.
If you can’t be who you say you are now,
My hope for it is gone…
I am here because my soul won’t let me turn my back
But I am here as a bearer to my pain
And in agony I will survive…
But with dreams of tomorrow no longer will I strive.
© janefoxart