Someone close to me recently pointed out how I apologize for things that are both in and out of my control. He pointed it out often, until I started to notice myself… Yesterday I counted 42 times before the day was over. Why am I so sorry? Truth is, I’ve been programmed to wish I was better and could fix all of your problems. That I am less than… That I am not enough unless I can fix your problems… The world’s problems. Truth is: I can’t. And I should not be sorry or disappointed when I can’t. Because that is reality.
Sorry not sorry
I’m not sorry… Truth be told
That I can’t help you when you don’t want to be helped
I’m not sorry that I was in your way when you chose to walk in my direction.
For not living up to your expectations…
I’m not sorry for that either
I’m not sorry that I can’t buy you happiness or give you all I have worked so hard for.
I’m not sorry that my opinion is different than yours
Or that I enjoy my music loud and powerful in the car next to you
I’m sorry not sorry for smiling at you when you are in a bad mood
I’m not sorry for getting offended when you say something stupid
I’m not sorry for calling you out when you are being naïve
When I told you that you needed to wake the hell up and appreciate what is in front of you, I’m not sorry for that either
I’m not sorry for dressing the way I please
Or singing my way through the grocery store
I’m not sorry that I get overly excited over things that are insignificant to you
Those are the things that make me happy
They don’t have to make you happy too
I’m not sorry for not knowing how to do everything the right way
For making mistakes, I make them often and I’m not sorry for it
I’m not sorry that you can’t find your pen. Or that you are having a terrible day because you stubbed your toe this morning.
I’m not sorry that I have feelings I can’t explain.
And that I don’t know how to express them, I’m not sorry for that either.
I’m not sorry for crying when I need to cry.
Or for distancing myself when I need space to think.
I need what I need. And I am who I am. I am not sorry for that.
I am grateful for you… but I’m not sorry.
One thing I AM sorry for, is that I had become this person who was sorry for existing unless it pleased you. She is gone now.
I am not sorry for being me. At all. I enjoy being me. Mistakes and all. I might be empathetic for your misfortunes but I don’t take the blame and I can’t be sorry for being who I am. I do my best to be the best me… This is all I’ve got.
If you choose to stay either way, I’m grateful. Sorry not sorry