.excuses from a hesitant heart

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I’ve heard my fair share of reasons why someone can’t love me. Or perhaps why they love me but can’t show me, or act upon it….

I’m not easy to read.
I’m selfish.
I’m unattainable.
I’m aloof.
I’m closed off.
I’m stubborn.
I’m too much of a dreamer.
I’m damaged.
I’m needy.
I’m emotionally unorganized.
I’m too good for (you) them.

And then the it’s not me It’s you…

I’m going through too much right now.
I can’t support you the way you need.
I’m self conscious.
I still love someone else.
I can’t trust you.
I’m jealous.
I don’t know what I want.
You’re too good for me.
The timing just isn’t right for me.

As shallow as most of those comments seem: I’ve heard most of them and they weren’t shallow at the time. Most had a deep rooted concern or emotional setback attached to it.  So I’ve asked myself what the hell is wrong with me? I am all those things… But I’m also a lot of very nice things too. I’m a crazy tie dye of emotions and hangups; that makes me real.

I know I’m flawed. And I try to improve the parts of me that are less than…. But the last thing I want is to change who I am to fit into someone’s vision of a perfect me.
I want love. I want to be loved. I love with an incredible amount of love that baffles me at times… I know what it feels like to truly be in love. To crave and desire that person’s presence first thing in the morning… Throughout your dreams… Before you close your eyes at night…. And every time something good or bad happens. Every time you hear your favorite song. Or even when you try some delicious food… You want to share it with them….
And I also know how it feels to love someone that much and know that you can’t be with them… Because THEY are emotionally unattainable.
Tasting heaven and having to let it go is something a human heart is not cable of handling easily.

So back to reasons why you (the every-man who has his reasons) can’t love me. Or why you can’t be with me… And what I think about them.
There is nothing I can do about it!!!
If you can’t love me then move on. If you love me but can’t be with me… I’m sorry.
My heart belongs to someone else anyway. MYSELF.
I love me. And even though I want you. And I miss you. And I crave you. I can’t have you.
The next person who wants to love me will sadly decline or possibly be denied… But not because I’m a dreamer or selfish… But because I will always love someone else… Even more than I love myself. And that is my sad reality. But one I’ll carry proudly.

I’m ok with just being me. For all the reasons you love me and all the reasons you can’t. I’m just me. Maybe I’m not good enough for you. Someday I’ll be good enough for myself, though. Everyday is part of that journey and I strive for growth at every turn. Who knows… Maybe the only love I need is within myself anyway!  Namaste!

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